Mother & Daughter

Xin Nian Kuai Le!

2012-01-23T21:26:00.001-08:00

Happy Lunar New Year!

I am still buried in paperwork and finally found someone to pay to take care of some of it for me. We have had a tiny bit of fun here and there. I'll post pictures when I come up for air.

Xiaoyun Speaks

2012-01-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

Xiaoyun is currently in the hospital undergoing extensive treatment for her congenital scoliosis that she never received treatment for in China. She was adopted mere days before her 14th birthday. You can follow her family's blog HERE. She really is something special!

Special Focus

2012-01-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

There are mixed feelings about the Special Focus lists. I have had positive and negative experiences with them. The most positive thing about them is that children can get more exposure to a family that will be most interested in adopting them. Some agencies specialize in certain special needs and families know this. For example, Bringing Hope to Children is very knowledgable about spina bifida, though they also have children with other needs on their list. Families who are comfortable with this need can go directly to that agency to find their child.

One of the most huge advantages to having the Special Focus program, is that a family can "buy time" to take a file to a medical specialist and learn more about a child's need without locking the file or risk it being picked up by another family during their research period. For children with more severe special needs, this is crucial. It's also where my daughter's file got hung up for so long last year. It falls to the agencies to determine how long they will allow a family to research. No matter how long an agency gives a family, China only gives them three months, then the file goes back, hopefully, to the Shared List again.

Another advantage is that it buys a family time to raise money to fund the adoption. One can argue that the best way to go about adopting is to have all the money in place first, but it doesn't work like that in reality. Often a family travels to adopt one child and sees another on that trip that they fall in love with and end up adopting soon after the first one. Or, something just happens within a family that brings a child to their attention and they have that incredible feeling that this is their child and decide to move forward. Or, there are other circumstances that leave on a tiny window to complete an adoption in a certain span of time, like the child who will age out, of another concurrent adoption getting close, or paperwork expiring, etc... So, an agency can agree to hold the file without showing it other families, but they'd better be positive that this family will follow through, then, at the end of three months, have the family lock it, which buys them another 3-6 months to get their dossier in, then you figure up to three months more once travel permission is granted. This may sound awful, to make a child wait, but there is no guarantee that another family would ever adopt this child. Now if there is a family clearly ready, then I think it's a terrible thing to delay the child's adoption while waiting for another family to get it all together.

Some agencies do seem to get the younger babies with the most minor special needs. So far, I've not been able to determine how this is happening. Some agencies do have more Chinese speaking staff in the US and more staff in China. Perhaps this advantage leads to this since they don't have to translate the files. Perhaps there is some favoritism somewhere. I just don't know.

I've already touched on the main disadvantage, which is an agency holding a child's file when there is a family with another agency clearly interested and ready to proceed.

No family should ever proceed with an adoption of any kind without first accepting the risk that their child may not be perfectly healthy. On top of that, no family should ever be pressured to adopt a child with a known special need if they aren't 100% willing to do so. I don't care how long the wait is, you have to know what you can handle. On the other hand, there are a lot of myths and misconceptions about the children in the Waiting Child program and I hope that if there is a family reading this who is interested, but needed more information to make their decision, that this helped them.

Waiting Child Program

2012-01-15T14:11:00.000-08:00

Currently, the majority of children being adoption from China are from the Waiting Child program. In April, 2011, over 75% of all US Chinese adoptions were from this program and that percentage was growing. Meanwhile, the non-special needs program has continued to run smoothly, but slowly. There are many reasons for this, a quick internet search will lead you to many articles, blogs, info, etc... that will explain the reasons for this.

The biggest thing to remember, is that ALL children adopted, especially those who were raised for any length of time in an institution, will have some kind of special need. The emotional needs of such a child are very, very different and need to be addressed and dealt with their entire life.

Who is the Waiting Child in China? Currently, the children on the Shared List (the list of waiting children) range in age from infant to just shy of 14 years. There are more boys on the list than girls. I think that a lot of children 12-14 (I use 14 to mean up to 14, for once a child turns 14 they are no longer eligible to be adopted), are healthy, though some do have physical special needs.

Over all, the special needs range from mild to severe, congenital to acquired. A congenital special need is something a child is born with, a birth defect. An acquired special need is one that happened afterward or through the birth mother, such as HepB, or an injury, like a burn that left terrible scarring, or a dislocated shoulder at birth that was misdiagnosed and left untreated or other illnesses that crop up.

With most special needs, there is a spectrum. Many people believe that cleft palate is a mild special need. It can be. Or it can be so severe that a child requires multiple surgeries over many years, with years of speech therapy. A child may have a malformed external ear that is noticable or not, called microtia, and this may be that minor. Or, the internal ear can also be affected and the child deaf in that ear, which is still quite minor if the child has normal hearing in the other ear, or severe if both ears are affected. However, if you know sign language, or are willing to learn, this may not seem very severe to you. There is a huge spectrum of special needs pertaining to the eyes, vision, development, glaucoma, strabismus, etc... One family is about to travel to adopt their new daughter who is perfectly healthy, but she has one underdeveloped eye that is blind. The treatment is a prosthetic eye that will fit over her tiny eye. Honestly, would you consider this a special need if she had been born here?

There are various heart conditions. Honestly, there is a huge number that repair themselves in the child's first year, but these babies were labelled special need, and still wait, now perfectly healthy. On the other hand, there are many children with severe heart defects and these children will have a shortened life depending of when they receive treatment. There are some conditions that enable a child to live a full, mostly normal life if the surgery can be done as infants, but will kill them if left untreated even for one year.

There are limb issues, Cerebral Palsy to various degrees, Trisomy disorders, one of which is Down's Syndrome, urogenital disorders, intestinal disorders, brain disorders and much, much more that I've never heard of. Some conditions that appear minor end of being part of a syndrome that may end up leading to more severe discoveries upon arrival home. Often, it's the other way around, where the condition ends up being less severe.

Adopting a child from the Waiting Child Program is a leap of faith, just like the unknowns of pregnancy and non-special need adoption, but you are starting out knowing that there is something, and you accept that.

In my own experience, there were things about Jie Jie that I knew she'd have and a couple that were a surprise to me. Since we are still in the diagnostic phase, I can't predict her outcome, but I can tell you this... She is so intelligent and well-balanced and happy and secure, that whatever her body ends up like, she will be able to cope to the best degree possible throughout her entire life. I cannot imagine my life without her; I love her so much. She captures the heart of all she meets. Even my social worker forgot herself at our first post placement visit and asked my daughter for a hug (remember, only parents and close family get this priviledge at first while bonding is crucial) and I had to call her on it at the time and she had to settle for a high five, and we still joke about it. As I meet with surgeons and specialists, my mother's heart shakes and quakes and I struggle to find the wisdom I need to make the best decisions possible for my daughter's care, but she is the light of my life, the breath in my body, my most precious and beloved child and I'd do it all again and again and I'm looking forward to adding to my tiny family.

Options and the I-800

2012-01-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

As many of you have realized, my adoption journey has been a bit out of the norm. For those of you new to my blog, I'll explain:

My dossier was logged in April 15, 2007 in the non-special needs line. This means that I am waiting for a "healthy" infant, which CCWA will match me with. My dossier was logged in 2 weeks before singles were excluded from the Chinese adoption program.

Because of my "grandfathered" status, meaning I was not restricted under the new single exclusion, in Sept. 2009, when the new Waiting Child / Special Interest program started, I was eligible to use a copy of my original dossier to adopt my daughter, while maintaining my original place in the nsn line.

All throughout, I kept my I-600A current. A few weeks after returning home with my daughter, China again opened their adoption program to single women, but with severe restrictions.

Because my original dossier is still waiting and active, I am still waiting for my referral, along with thousands of other families. However, it looks like my I-600 will expire without CIS allowing any more renewals, in July 2013. I don't think my referral will come by then. If I will be allowed to renew the I-600, then I'd have to pay for it, which costs the same as the I-800 anyway, so I'm not out any money. I would have been out money if I'd kept it current without using it to bring my current daughter home.

I have three adoption options facing me with my current dossier and CIS paperwork:

1. I could continue to wait, then go I-800 if the referral goes past when my I-600 expiration date.
2. I could use my dossier for a waiting child, before my I-600 expires. There are children of all ages constantly coming up on the Waiting Child list and some are very young infants with mild special needs. I have the option of adopting a child of any age with any need, using this dossier.
3. The last option is to not to use this dossier at all and let it go. This isn't a option I'm interested in, but it's an option none the less.

There was a commenter question a bit back, so I think this is a good time to answer it. Jie Jie is not my daughter's name. It's her online pseudonym and it means big sister. Apple is the pseudonym for the baby I'm awaiting the nsn referral for.

57 Months Logged In

2012-01-15T02:56:00.000-08:00

I'm closing in on the 5 year mark and I'm in the midst of completing what I've been told is my last I-600 renewal. It was a free renewal. They count like this:

Original filing - paid fee
1st renewal - free
2nd renewal - paid fee
3rd renewal - free

If I don't use it up by July 19,l 2013, I'll have to go I-800. Unless, someone in Washington decides otherwise.

I hope you have all seen and "signed" the petition to extend the adoption tax credit. It is often the only thing that makes adoption affordable. The more available this is, the more children can come home to their forever families.

Please go HERE to sign it.

M.I.A.

2012-01-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

I've posted some Christmas pictures, scroll down to see them!

I will be missing in action for about two weeks, though I'll try to get some pictures up. My agency forgot to let me know ahead of time that my I600A is about to expire so I'm scrambling like crazy to get everything done to renew it. Just for the record, my agency has been GREAT. This is the first mistake they've made and they probably caught it in the nick of time.

I am so envious of all the people who just get pregnant and pop out their babies and then they are parents, no fingerprinting, homestudies, I600s, CPA letters, financial statements, medical exams and reports, TB tests, attachment classes, etc... Why can't adoption be easier and less expensive?

Last Year on Dec. 27...

2012-01-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

...I got The Call! My daughter's file was LOCKED with my name on it after two months of chasing it around. In case you didnt' know, Dec. 27 2006, was the day I was notified that I got a spot with my agency. I had four months to get EVERYTHING done and logged in before singles weren't allowed to adopt from China any more. I mean, I was starting from scratch. I needed my homestudy done, all the letters, finger prints, birth certificate and other documents - EVERYTHING! It only took me three months to finish and send my dossier in, then one more month to get my log in date.

Here I am, more than 4 years later, still waiting for that little one, while having another little one here already.

I am still just as patient in my wait. I am still as excited. I am just loving my daughter right now, too, and always think of Dec. 27 as my very special day.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

Coming to you from the bathtub, where I'm recovering after losing my birthday dinner in a most painful and undignified way!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2011-12-31T23:20:00.001-08:00

More coming soon!

Jie Jie's First Christmas!

2011-12-25T22:53:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all!

I Kid You Not

2011-12-22T21:05:00.001-08:00

This happened today, just 4 hours ago...

Jie Jie needed a medication; it's the second time she's been on this one. I arrive at the Kaiser pharmacy and there is a little confusion about my medication being ready since it had just been called in barely an hour earlier, but the man at the counter assures me that he'll call my name when it's ready and to have a seat. Usually one stands in line and the line was extremely long, so I was thankful.

After some time, I'm called back to the counter by the same man. He puts the medication on the counter and starts putting the info into his computer and I look at the medication and I can't see the top of the medication through the bottle. It should be past the label and near the top. (Remember, I've only seen this medication once before for Jie Jie) I pick it up. It feels light. Too light. I read the label, yes, correct medication, and, give for 10 days. I shake it. I shake it again. I say to the man, "This is a powder."

He says, "No, it's a liquid."

I say, "No, it's a powder, should I mix it myself?"

He again says, "No, it's a liquid," picks it up, shakes it, insists it's a liquid.

I repeat myself again, "It's a powder!"

He shakes it again and says it's a liquid, then tips it as if to pour it and sees that it's a powder!

He is stunned. I tease him and say I'll mix it myself at home and that I mix my cats' medication. He's still a bit stunned by his mistake and says, no, he can't allow that and apologizes more, asks me to sit and wait, then hands it to someone in the back to mix.

Remember, the place is packed with people. The ones nearby are observing this. I tease again, but with a serious undertone, and say to the man, "100,000 people die per year due to medical mistakes. Fortunately, my daughter wouldn't have died from this. Please don't make a mistake with a medication that can kill someone."

Kaiser scares me! Are you, dear readers, counting the number of errors that I've experienced with Kaiser? I know that I'm a naturally very observant person with many things, but what made me look for the top of the medication? What made me pick that bottle up and know immediately that it was too light? God is really looking out for Jie Jie, isn't He?

Red Couch Pics of Another Kind

2011-12-19T00:50:00.001-08:00

Anaconda Feeding & Butterflies

2011-12-18T22:33:00.000-08:00

Today at the Academy of Science, Jie Jie and I exited the Rain Forest Dome downstairs, as usual, and right in front of us was a large anaconda in it's habitat, tightly coiled into a huge ball underwater. The docent informed us that it has been coiled around a rabbit for over an hour. The rabbit had been given to the snake dead, but heated in a microwave, before being given to the snake.

All I could see where two furry black feet sticking out of the ball that was the snake. Then, the snake's head came around and went into the middle of the ball. I could see the jaws unhinge and open then the snake began to swallow the rabbit, headfirst.

As gross as this may seem as you read it, I was amazed at how this snake fed. It was truly one of nature's miracles! We always read that the anaconda wraps around the prey, suffocating it, then swallows it whole, but there is so much more to that.

After the snake managed to swallow the rabbit, it passed through its own coils, tightening just enough so that the rabbit was pushed down toward the stomach, like squeezing the toothpaste toward the top of the tube.

The snake stayed underwater for an hour and a half, only coming up for air after the meal was fully swallowed and well on the way to the stomach.

I thought that the anaconda would also crush the prey's bones, to make it easier to swallow, but after some research online, this doesn't seem to be the case. I saw several videos of anacondas vomiting up prey that turned out to be way to big for them to digest.

It was quite a science lesson!

They also had some fake snow makers and a mini-planeterium show on how snow forms. In the Rainforest Dome, several butterflies were injured and on the floor. We tried to help this one by moving it to the foliage.

56 Months Logged In

2011-12-18T02:40:00.001-08:00

I didn't forget. I've just been too busy to blog it. Jie Jie and I always talk about how it will be when "Mei Mei" is here. She asks if she can hold and carry Apple. She wants a tiny sister, one with hair. She's let me know that I'll need to have bottles and milk for Apple and she's told me that she'll share her toys.

Shopping for My Girl, With My Girl

2011-12-18T02:23:00.000-08:00

I've not left Jie Jie with anyone yet. I don't feel like I need to for my sake and I know it's not in her best interest either. So, I've dragged her around quite a bit this week, staying out pretty late each night. She's a trouper!

It didn't take me long to figure out how to slip things into the shopping cart without her seeing them and even passing through checkout. Checkout involves giving the checker a heads up to be on the sly, then I distract Jie Jie as I unload onto the conveyor belt. Everything has stayed in the car.

Now getting her to shop for a present for me was simple. She knew she needed my help to pick something out that I'd like, so I chose an item, asked if she'd like to buy it for me for Christmas, she'd agree, I'd pay, then told her that she had to wrap it and put it under the tree. Then she said I had to help her wrap because she didn't know how and I agreed that we'd do it closer to Christmas.

There are definite advantages to having an older child who has never experienced Christmas. She's so easy-going about it all, but definitely excited and even has put together how Santa is supposed to work, though I'm not encouraging it, I'm not discouraging it either.

Vignettes of Dreams

2011-12-18T02:16:00.000-08:00

All my life I've imagined motherhood in little snippets, like vignettes or scenes from a movie. Tonight I raked the leaves out back, down the driveway and in the front. It's a HUGE task. By the time I reached the front, Jie Jie was tired of playing inside by herself and came out wearing her antler headband with lights that really blink. I'd just surprised her with it today so she was eager to try it out now that it was dark.

I suggested she get the daycare tricycle out, even though she's a little too big for it. Soon, she was cruising around on it, headband all lit up, pretending she was driving a car, making zooming sounds and other sounds that kids make when pretending.

The house Christmas lights on the house and yard were shining brightly in the darkness and Jie Jie zoommed past me and I just leaned on the broom and breathed it all in. It was one of those magical mommy moments of pure bliss and satisfaction!

Oh, Christmas Tree You Are BIG

2011-12-18T01:04:00.001-08:00

Perfect Christmas sweater, cats on the front...

and a cat on the back!

No, this isn't the right tree, but the Christmas Tree Man, who opened tree after tree until we found the perfect one, goofed off and did a model pose for us then agree to do it again for the camera and go on the blog.

This is OUR tree.

Yep, mama got the tree off the car and up the stairs all by herself.
She used her super-power, Mind Over Matter, (it doesn't matter if it's too heavy and you break your back; just get it inside)!

It fell over a few times until I bought a bigger stand.
Then, trying to adjust it today, fully decorated, while underneath it, I tipped it over again, and nearly toppled it completely, but my tiny daughter used her own super-power and was able brace it long enough for me to climb out from under and get a grip on it. Then she actually held it up, strategically standing on the piano bench, while I secured it again.

Jie Jie's getting her very first ornament just right!

This was an amazing feet, I'm standing on the piano bench, holding Jie Jie up and over so she could get the angel on.

I made this advent calendar over 20 years ago for "The Day When I'd Have a Child."

Jie Jie's first Christmas gift, from a little playmate.
It's under the tree!

Fall Fun!

2011-12-18T00:13:00.000-08:00

Visiting Speck, who is now called Spot.
He lives one block away but we both miss him a lot!

Self-portrait with a little help on the arms.

"Marry" and Jesus

2011-12-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

Last weekend there was a dance performance depicting the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. Jie Jie was fascinated by it. The very next day, she got up early to play and when I woke up, it was to this scene in her room. She'd never played with her barn before, so I'm glad it's getting some use, but look in the center at the tiny baby in the red circle. This is baby Jesus. Follow the line up to the other circle and this is Marry, please notice the wedding gown! I really mean Marry, not Mary, because Jie Jie didn't know that Mary was a name and thought that baby Jesus was getting married in the stable!!!

Along Came a Spider

2011-12-09T22:40:00.000-08:00

Our resident spider!

Oh,Christmas Tree You Fall-A Down

2011-12-05T01:17:00.000-08:00

I get the "Bad Mother of the Day" award today for running my child from store to store when we were supposed to have gone to church and then decorated the Christmas tree. Unfortunately, during the night, gravity or the cats, or both, toppled our undecorated tree. The stand was one I've had for years, supposed to hold a tree up to 8 feet tall, but the physics of my 7.5ft tall tree disagreed so we had to go in search of a larger stand.

I've always been attracted to noble fir trees that were skinny and now I know why. I have to get the tree off my car, up the stairs and into the stand, so that it will stay there, all by myself. This year, in honor of it being Jie Jie's first Christmas, I found a noble fir that was wide at the base and full all over, a very perfect tree. I forgot it would weigh a ton and that I'd have to get it into the stand and centered all by myself.

So, at our third store, T_rget, I get Jie Jie into the restroom and we're greeted by two electric hand dryer machines going full force with jet-like engines. People were talking, toilets were flushing and I scolded Jie Jie for jumping out of the stroller without my permission and into a puddle of urine in front of the toilet that I was trying to mop up by putting several seat covers over it. I was feeling like I'd have rather been anywhere else, but failed in that moment to realize Jie Jie felt the same, only a hundred times more. She sat on the pot and did her business, then touched the seat with her hands, something I have taught her not to do. Then I scolded her again and told her not to touch anything, not even me, until I could wash her hands. I stood her by the door of the stall (we were in the largest one) and took my turn, but before I could even sit down, Jie Jie went into "post-orphanage stress mode" and started crying. This cry breaks my heart because it's a total stress cry, not the usual child's cry. If you've heard it, you know it. I knew I goofed bad and I couldn't finish fast enough so I could get us out of there.

I sat down in the food area, which was rather calm and just held her. The cry subsided fast, but not the little stress sound she makes when she's just overloaded. I apologized, explained that I made a mistake to not be more careful with her, that I forgot she's still so new here, and held her and got her to look into my eyes and come gently back. Back in the car, I realized she needed food, so we ate at our next destination and she began to feel much better. Back in the car again, she told me that the hand blower noise had hurt her ears. As I drove, I reflected back on the visit to her SWI and quiet and calm it was there. Remember, she didn't live in a room with a ton of kids, but had one caretaker and only a couple babies. The Christmas hustle and bustle must be awful for her and I've really kept it to a minimum, so it felt to me.

Jie Jie also loves our home. When we've been out, and we're nearly home, she cries out gleefully, "Yay, home!!!" Today she made sure to tell me again that she likes being out only a little (for a short time) and likes being home a lot (most of the time).

The tree is still undecorated since Jie Jie opted for snuggle time on the couch with mama and a video instead. Tomorrow, we'll skip academics during homeschool and work on social studies only, the topic is the traditional western holiday ritual of decorating the Christmas tree.

Dentist Decision

2011-12-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

Back at the beginning of October my daughter had dental work done under general anesthesia in the dentist's office. I did decide to find dental care at another practice since I didn't feel the dentist we'd gone to was a team player, but a dictator-type. Please read HERE for the details. A few things came in the mail from that office that I was expecting, the anesthesiologist report and bills, etc... I didn't bother to open them until today and, dated Oct. 27, was a letter from the dentist himself:

"As in all professions, a dentist has reached perfection only when he or she is working in an atmosphere of complete confidence and trust. When the proper rapport is established between the doctor, staff and the patients, everyone concerned is happier.

We as dentists hope to work with you, the parent, as a team to ensure the best health and treatment outcome for your child. When the recommended treatment has been refused, then a child's care has been compromised. We cannot in good conscience treat your child in this manner. For the reason, we feel you will be able to obtain more beneficial services if you consult with another pediatric dental office for (name of my daughter)'s care.

Enclosed is a copy of (name of my daughter)'s x-rays."

I find it extremely disturbing that he feels he can't "reach perfection" when a parent considers pre-med, prescribed and administered by the anesthesiologist, unnecessary, but more disturbing than that is that he considers working as a team having the parent trust him 100% and not have any input at all into their own child's care. One of the biggest medical mistakes people make is to trust their doctor without question and not being as fully informed as possible and proactive in their own care (or the care of their family member).

I am soooo glad that I made the decision to switch practices on my own before reading this letter or I might be more upset about it than I already am. Upset because he thinks he's being a team player when he was so unprofessional with me that day and upset because I actually put my daughter under his care. My only consolation is that his actual dentistry skills have never come into question. I hope never to find out otherwise.

But the very best thing of all is what my daughter remember from that day, "Mama sing me." (Mama sang to me) I did sing to her, looking straight into her eyes as she went under the anesthesia.

Safe and Sound

2011-12-01T14:11:00.000-08:00

Right after I posted the last post, it got very quiet outside. The wind suddenly subsided just after 2am. I didn't see any damage on my block and the wind was so strong that it actually swept all the leaves in the front completely away. There's not a leaf in the street now, but last night I saw a great wall of them blowing down the road. My backyard had a ton of leaves from the neighbors persimmon tree, but someone from New England would say there were only a few, so I didn't mind raking them up.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I haven't kept up with the news at all so I missed hearing about the people in Canada suffering with 80mph winds and the damage that caused. I hope they all get the help they need to make repairs.

Huff and Puff and Blow the House Down

2011-12-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

I am typing this when I should be in bed, but there is a HUGE wind storm raging outside and I've been a bit jumpy because of it. I don't know how many miles per hour the wind is gusting - but I just realized I can find a weather channel and find out...Okay, 10-15 mph, with gusts expected up to 23 mph. My house is shaking like we're having an earthquake, the neighbors large garbage cans are flying all over his driveway and I think they thumped into my house a few times. I just pulled my car up into my driveway as far as possible so that the tree branches, if they fall, won't hit it, and I just rescued my daycare sign as the chain just broke and it was going flying down the street (1am). Earlier, the lights were flickering and there was some mysterious lightening-like light outside and some strange noises. I called the electric company to have them check the nearest transformers, or whatever those big boxes on the poles are called. My single-paned lead glass sash windows are rattling and there must be a draft in my kitchen cupboards, because the dishes rattle now and then, too. I've moved the flower pots off of the edge of the porch, put blankets on the curtain rods in my bedroom in front of the windows and stuffed a folded rug under the front door to block the wind as it enters the house. The cats are huddled on the heater vents and I'm about to crawl into bed with an electric blanket.

I've lived through hurricanes, typhoons and blizzards, but I've never been a mom or home owner before while sitting out a storm and it's just a bit disconcerting. At least this will bring down a ton of leaves from the trees so I'll only have to rake a few more times before they're all gone for the season!

Tender Time

2011-11-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

Everything has been so smooth for so long that I didn't remember coming into the holidays that it's all wonderful and exciting for me as a mom, but completely new and unknown to Jie Jie. She's excited, but also has some trepidation as it's all new to her. The best way to describe her for the last couple days is mildly moody, which for her is pretty moody because she's normally so even-tempered. I'm getting tons and tons of kisses. Believe it or not, it's actually annoying, but it's a sign that she needs more of me right now. Today, she grabbed my hand as I was dumping toddler potties into the toilet and kissed my palm before I could stop her. Ew - gross!

Two nights ago, I realized how much she still needs "baby play." Tickling, little piggies, hiding under blankets, etc... Like all our children, she needs a LOT of physical contact and I've had a lot of trouble with my back lately so I've not been able to pick her up or hold her like I usually do and she's missing it.

In the next moment, she'll be reciting the alphabet and reading letters on anything with a label, or organizing the daycare kids into a fun game.

Then, she'll get all quiet and when I ask if she's okay, she sort of shrinks a little more. When I put my arms around her, her eyes start to well up with tears, then she cries softly for a little bit and is fine. Sometimes she says she misses those she loves in China, other times she says she doesn't know why she's crying.

Each low mood is last just a few minutes. It's long enough for me to realize she's working on the next level of adjustment and attachment, along with figuring out what all this holiday stuff means.

Today I had the daycare kids draw a picture of their families. This exercise was really for Jie Jie's benefit since she's the only one old enough to draw and not just scribble. She drew me and herself, gong gong, ayi (my aunty), and another ayi, the friend who came to China with me. She came up with this family grouping all on her own. I am thrilled that she realizes that this is her family circle.

One Year Ago Today...

2011-11-29T21:17:00.000-08:00

...I wrote this:

"Monday, November 29, 2010
Update #10

I am so blessed to have the Light of Christ in my life; to know there is a living God who is always there for me - no matter what. Today another prayer was answered in seconds. My agency has agreed to contact the proper authorities in China and request the file of the Child of my Heart.

It's been ten days since the file was supposed to have been released from an agency's Special Focus program, but since we truly don't know how an early-released file gets back to the Shared List, we don't know if we should wait longer or what, so we've agreed that it's time for action. Funnily enough, though, we didn't all agree together. I was going to beg for this, but they had already decided to do it!

I had put out word on boards, forums, egroups, etc... but no one came up with anything. The charity sponsoring her also hadn't heard anything, which led me to believe that her file was not with any agency.

I hope to know in a few days if I can apply to adopt this precious child.

Earlier, I felt scared, afraid that I wouldn't receive this wonderful gift of life. A short time later, I felt an elation in my heart, a blessing from God, that spurred on my hope to new heights and is still burning bright within me.

I don't presume to know God's plan, no matter how strong my faith, but I hope and pray that it is for this little child and I to be united as a family. I asked that you please pray for us, for this, but that God's will be done and we accept it with peace in our hearts."

Look at me today. Now this child is my daughter. I love these words the most:

Earlier, I felt scared, afraid that I wouldn't receive this wonderful gift of life. A short time later, I felt an elation in my heart, a blessing from God, that spurred on my hope to new heights and is still burning bright within me.

I "Caught" Her

2011-11-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

The other day Jie Jie was telling me something and there was a time reference that I didn't quite understand so I asked her, "When?"

She replied, "When mama come China and catch-a me."

She was talking about the time we met and I adopted her! She loves that I "caught" her!

A Family for 8 Months Now

2011-11-28T00:28:00.001-08:00

A sneak peak of our Christmas photo.

Matching upper and lower case letters.

Jie Jie's hair has grown about 3 inches in the last 8 months.

Intro to Christmas

2011-11-27T22:55:00.001-08:00

Real whiskers and all, this was a very nice Santa
and the pics were free as part of a promo!

Union Square, San Francisco (taken from Macy's)

I love the theme "A Million Reasons to Believe" since it certainly describes my faith in our Savior.

One day, a few weeks ago, as we were in my friend's store, the words, "Santa brings presents to all the good boys and girls in the world," crossed my lips. I immediately regretted them, and, thankfully, they were lost on Jie Jie. Santa didn't go to China and leave any presents for Jie Jie. She didn't have any toys in China, that she can remember or that I saw in her room when I visited her SWI. The store owner, single mother of two girls, now in college, overheard me and noticed the look on my face. We spoke a bit and she mentioned that they didn't do Santa in their house, except as a fun legendary figure, part of their German heritage. After some serious thought and reflections on my own beliefs concerning the commercialization of the holidays, I came to a decision that I feel very good about...

Santa isn't coming to our house. In fact, Santa, in our house, is going to be taught as the figure of history, folklore and legend that he is. I'm teaching Jie Jie that the three wise men brought Jesus presents when He was born because they loved Him and mama will bring her presents at Christmas time because it's a time when we remember the birth of Christ and show love toward each other in many ways. One of those ways is to give thoughtful gifts. She's only getting a few gifts but one is rather large. It's something she wants badly, but I also have an ulterior motive behind it since it will be a good teaching tool, too. I will also teach her about the beliefs of others so that she understands, or will as she learns, that most young American children are taught that Santa brings the presents if they have been good.

We also chose a card of our church's "giving tree" which has the info of a young child on it who lives in poverty nearby. We will shop together and talk about giving to the needy. As time goes on, and she becomes more aware of the ramifications of her past in China, I'm sure this will get a little more complicated, but for now, I want to set an example to her of charity with love.

Our Thanksgiving Day

2011-11-27T22:27:00.001-08:00

Mother and Daughter! I've been very emotional lately. My heart is full to bursting. Every minute of every day, I remember how I felt this time last year and in the same minutes, all day long, I look at the beautiful child in front of me and marvel that she's my daughter. I am so very grateful! I love motherhood, as I knew I would, and even more.

A feast for many, but only one guest out of four showed up.

I'm afraid Jie Jie felt a bit let down. I, too, felt let down, in a way. While cooking, Jie Jie would wander into the kitchen and asked, "Mama play with me?" and I'd reply, "No, I have to cook for our big party." When no big party occurred, I felt like I'd have rather played with her and then had soup and sandwiches instead. However, like the optimist she is, Jie Jie perked up once she saw that I meant business when I told her she could have the biggest "bone" to eat that she could imagine. This child can pick a chicken leg bone dry, so I was eager to turn her loose on a turkey leg.

She almost didn't know where to begin!

Mmmm!

After the first sitting, along with mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, squash, cranberry sauce, and gravy.

After a second go at the same leg later for dinner.

The final pies. See the carnage our cat Merlin wrought on the apple pie? They still tasted great!

Getting Bigger is Still Pretty Tiny

2011-11-24T03:46:00.001-08:00

Jie Jie has grown 3.5 centimeters since coming home; she's a whopping 106cm tall and growing into size 5 clothes. I can hardly believe she'll be 8 years old in 3 months! Her feet finally grew, too, but not a whole size. She just fills the shoes she's got a bit better now.

The boy to the right of Jie Jie just turned 3 years old, and he's average sized. The girl next to him will be three in Feb. and she's a little tall. The four little ones on the left are all 2 year olds.

The Thanksgiving Chef

2011-11-24T03:31:00.001-08:00

The chef with her new(used) kitchen.

We interupt the baking to double over in pain.
This is part of our life and the cooking continued when the pain stopped.

Mama loosened the waist to see if it made Jie Jie more comfortable but didn't expect them to fall down. Quick modesty check then had to grab the camera. Laughter is definitely the best medicine!

Pictures of the finished pies will be posted tomorrow, but I'll tell the world now, our cat Merlin, helped himself to a good bit of the crust when the pie was piping hot and still on the cooling rack!

I am So Very Thankful for My Daughter

2011-11-24T03:03:00.000-08:00

I cannot help but reflect upon the process I went through this time last year as I prayed for my daughter's file. I read many of my previous blog entries from this time and I'm amazed at what I wrote, yet can still remember the feelings I had at that time as if it was yesterday. I cannot imagine my life without Jie Jie now any more than I could then, before I had even met her or had locked her file or anything.

I remember the intensity of my faith as I discovered a deeper level of prayer that exposed my truly broken heart to God. I remember the feelings of unworthiness that made me strive harder and harder to be a better person in all ways, and that this made me worthy to be this child's mother. I still carry the responsibility to God to raise my daughter well and to love her and do all I can as perfectly as I can, even when I make mistakes - especially when I make mistakes!

I hope I never lose the memory of what I went through and how I feel now. I want to wake up each day and look into Jie Jie's eyes and remember it all.

Counting Blessings

2011-11-16T01:26:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, Jie Jie and I attended a birthday party at a small tumbling place. I waited until the last minute to decide if it was safe to go, and only after consulting with the head neck specialist at the chiropractic college. (I'm still waiting for the second opinion from the medical doctor.) There were rings to swing on and a trampoline, balance beams and bars. Jie Jie LOVED swinging on the rings.

As I watched Jie Jie swing on those rings and turn upside down and romp and play, I realized that she is so far from disabled. Yes, her special need is severe and does place significant limitations on her in some areas that will become increasingly hard to manage as she matures, but she will be able to manage them, I'm sure.

I've read so many blogs this week of families with children who have very serious, life-taking conditions. I poured over the pictures of waiting children and read their sketchy information, things like heart defects, missing limbs, severe facial anomalies, bone, blood, nerve and spine disorders, etc. I've read of true miracles for some that are astounding, and of others still hoping and waiting for a miracle, and those praying to leave the earth and go Home where there isn't any more pain and agony.

As Jie Jie played at the party, I took inventory:

Neck, so far so good...
Brain, great
Eyes & ears, great
She can eat
Arms, great
Legs, good
Feet, good enough for now
Things in the middle, not quite where some things should be, or doing what they should, but we are managing well. She's thriving!

I took out the two-wheel bike on Sunday. It's been quite awhile since we last tried it. Jie Jie pedalled the bike about 50 feet!!!!! I could clearly see that the difference was due to all the kicking she's done in the water lately. Those nerves and muscles had a good sense of what to do, and with some specific hints, she started to get the hang of it. 2 Biggest hints: The legs take turns pushing the pedals down, and Look where you are going, don't look down at your feet, or you will crash.

The funniest moment was when she headed into the grass, toward the street and I expected her to stop. Nope, not my child. She rode down the curb - a full fledged curb - maintained her balance, and only stopped when her disbelieving mama caught her in the street. Both of our faces looked shocked. She's definitely old enough and responsible enough to understand the dangers of going into the street, but I guess she didn't know how to stop. In fact, another funny tidbit is that when I'm driving and there are pedestrians, she always cautions me be to be careful!

As I count my blessings, I'm sending out a heartfelt, soul-deep prayer to all the children and families who are among the poor, sick and needy, that they will feel the hand of God comfort and bless them, that the sick will be healed or taken Home swiftly, that orphans will be adopted by loving parents, the all may have the necessities of life.

55 Months Logged In

2011-11-16T01:22:00.000-08:00

It's true. My dossier has been logged in for 55 months now. Happily, God's plan was such that by having that dossier there so long, I was able to adopt Jie Jie. In this time I've seen singles be eliminated from the adoption program and then allowed back in, even if it is in a limited way, currently.

Apple still fills my thoughts and heart, as does my hope for an older daughter. My home is filled with positivity on all fronts and it's a wonderful feeling.

I Said it Today

2011-11-12T00:02:00.000-08:00

I said, "My daughter is disabled."

Up until now, I've only said, "My daughter has a disability," and only occasionally, when needed. It wasn't a conscious decision at all, just how it's been so far. I never thought about the words at all until the ones above came out of my mouth tonight.

It was a bit of a shocker because, when I look at her, I don't see a disabled child. I see my beautiful child, who is wonderful and very capable, and living a normal, well, mostly normal, life, who just happens to have been born with a birth defect. But partway though the big IKEA store we were in tonight, she said, "Mama, my feet tired," which means they are starting to hurt. And I didn't have the stroller or a cart. Then, the medical device she wears started coming loose, which can be noticable, and it was, thus having a brief conversation with another mom that brought out the above sentence.

Sometimes I want to shout out all the details of my daughters condition from the rooftops, put it all out there, sometimes for support, sometimes for empathy or even sympathy, sometimes to explain the odd things we occasionally do, or to educate others, get help, find resources, or just plain to get it out so I don't have to remember who knows and doesn't know so I can remember who I can talk to about things once in awhile.

But the bottom line is that this isn't my decision. It's my daugher's. Until she is old enough to decide how she wants to handle it, I feel a deep responsibility to respect and protect her right to privacy. Meanwhile, I encourage Jie Jie to do all she can, while I learn where her real limitations are, if they can be overcome, how best to go about it, all while enjoying her to the fullest extent possible.

Never-ending Awe

2011-11-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight after work, Jie Jie and I walked to the bank and local drugstore and as I held her tiny hand in mine and looked down - way down - at her, and she looked back up at me, my heart swelled with love and amazement that this precious little thing is my daughter. I hope I never get over it, that I never take her for granted, or forget the miracle of having her. I marvelled at how much she loves me and the process she went through to get where we are and how our relationship is so strong, yet fragile, too.

It's hard to believe that she's getting closer and closer to eight years old, yet still wears size four. I think it's on my mind a lot because my daycare kids, who are two and three years old, are growing into Jie Jie's size shoes.

Today during our homeschooling time, I took out a math game that we've done before, but not for several weeks, and her face fell a little when she saw it because it was hard before. Today, we could both so easily see her progress because the game was a cinch!

I am learning to be a much better person as I respect my daughter's learning style and her needs. She is learning that I am very open to hearing what she needs and acting positively on it. We recently had a talk about how I am not always right and that she can tell me when she disagrees with me or doesn't like somethings and that we are a team and can change things to make them better, as needed. This was such a novel idea to her that at first she denied it, then warmed up to the concept and how it works. I am learning to listen first, without judgement, which has been hard, but is getting easier and easier, because I come from an extremely judgemental family. I love that I can trust her and not worry that she is being calculating or manipulating because I know she has honest desires in her heart.

I love watching the seed of her faith in Christ has started to grow. I know that she has an innate sense of her Savior, that she's had it all her life. She gets so excited over anything to do with Yesu (as Jesus is called in Mandarin) and truly thirsts for more knowledge about Him. Tonight, on her own, she asked me to help her say grace. Last Sunday, a little girl from her sundayschool class who we had over a couple weeks ago, was excited to recognize Jie Jie at church and grabbed her hand and together they walked to class, Jie Jie's real age class, not the little kid class, and Jie Jie had a GREAT time. Tears came to my eyes as I watched these two precious girls walk down the hall holding hands. The sweetness of Jie Jie's little friend enveloped me and I rushed downstairs to tell the little girl's mom all about it.

For the last two days, at play, Jie Jie is playing "marry." She tried to make her doll blankets into veils and wedding gown trains until I gave her a shear scarf to play with. She is marrying her favorite doll, Bao Bao, which I think is so cute and funny.

Our foster kitten, Speck, will soon be Spot, and will be going to his new home, one block down from us, this weekend. You'll never believe the family he is going to belong to. A couple months ago, I saw a caucasian woman walking down the street, right past my house, with two Asian adolescents. From my car, I rolled down the window the lagging teen and asked, "Is that your mom?" which got the mom's attention right away. Thus began a new friendship. This woman adopted her two daughters, now 18 and 14, as a single mom, and was her agency's first family to adopt from China when single women were first allowed to adopt. When her first daughter was 4 years old, she adopted her second daughter. It will be wonderful for Jie Jie to see "Spot's house" every time we walk that way, which we do, several times a week, and to be able to visit him. She seems fine that he is leaving us, though she's said she'll miss him, and happy he has a new family. We will take him to his new home rather than have him picked up, though we already had a tour when we stopped to trick-o-treat on Halloween. We still have our slightly younger kitten, Ruby, who has been going to the adoption center on Saturdays with the hope that her family will find her soon.

I ache to add a teenage girl to our family along with our mei mie, Apple. I don't know if it will be possible or not, but I will begin praying diligently soon for some ways and means. I have time, Jie Jie needs me exclusively until her surgeries and healing are complete, but the sense of urgency I feel for this teen daughter of mine in China somewhere is sometimes overwhelming, just as it was when I knew that my 7-8 year old daughter was out there. I will even admit that it's stronger right now than the pull of Apple, perhaps because that adoption is already paid for and in process. When I talk to Jie Jie about this, she says that Mie Mie (Apple) will be for her and Jie Jie (teen sister - remember jei jie means big sister) will be for me. Tonight I explained that it doesn't work that way and talked of other details and she asked if she could come shopping with me to buy Jie Jie (teen sister) some toys.

Kiss and hug your children tonight, for they are truly miracles, each and every one, and it's our priviledge, not our right, to be their parents.

Enjoying Jie Jie

2011-11-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

I really live for weekends. By the end of the work week, Jie Jie is tired of sharing me with the daycare kids and starts acting more and more rambunctious and I'm just plain tired.

Come Saturday morning, we sleep in, get up slowly, have a lazy pancake breakfast around lunch time, then get moving. Jie Jie plays in her room while I potter around, peeking in quite often just to watch her play. Last night we attended a baby shower so today, all of her play was about giving her doll a baby shower. She put her doll's things into various bags as presents and then I sat down and handed them to her to open.

I've been talking more about family relationships, grandmother, mother, daughter, grandfather, etc... but it's still a concept far out of her grasp. I did learn that Jie Jie definitely prefers women, and definitely good looking women. At the shower last night, where she met some of my friends for the first time, she readily allowed herself to be hugged. Afterward, in the car, I asked her about it since she usually doesn't like to be hugged by anyone but me. She said she liked it because "all people girls."

Today she finally confided in me that she is scared of doctors. She didn't have a clue that I already knew this! Funny how their little minds work.

It's hard to believe that she's going to be eight years old in less than 4 months. In many ways, she acts exactly her age, and I love it. In other ways, she's still my little baby, and I love that, too. In the above picture, taken today, she is wearing a size 4 Gymboree sweater and leggings, a size 3 Children's Place skirt, and size 4 knee socks that fit like leg warmers with the heel hanging out her little shoes, the only pair I was able to find in China that actually fit her. In US sizes, she wears a size 7 or 8 (toddler) shoe, depending on the style and/or brand.

I try to stay in the present, especially with all the unknowns still about her condition, but it's hard not to wonder about her future. She never had the amazing growth spurt that so many adopted children get. She's still just a tiny bit over 41" tall and 35-36 pounds, depending on the scale I use. New neck x-rays have revealed some scary things. I'll be getting them evaluated by a specialist, but common concensus so far is that Jie Jie's neck is extremely fragile in two different places. We need to avoid all things that carry a high risk of falling on the neck or even stressing the neck until we know more. The fragile areas developed by compensating for other areas that are malformed. Any injury to the neck at this level is life threatening or catestrophic since it's at the top of the spinal cord. At the playground I want to shout, "Don't climb so high," and "don't hang upside down," and don't do this and don't do that... Instead, I'm becoming the anxious (hiding it well) mom, almost hovering (okay, I am starting to really hover sometimes because she climbs VERY high), too distracted to carry on a conversation with other moms, ready to rush over at any second and make a critical catch."

On the other hand, we are having great adventures in every day life. We biked to the park one evening, took a walk along the shore on another evening and watched the sun set.

Homeschooling is going very well. Jie Jie is getting really good with the alphabet. She can name all the letters that I sign, even out of order, and she can read them, too. She is learning all the lower case letters now, just by seeing them often paired with the upper case letters. I'm amazed and pleased at how easily and fast she is learning the lower case letters. Numbers are coming along, too. She doesn't know the language of math, and is still learning to write all the numbers, but she can already figure simple arrithmatic on a practical level, only she doens't realize it yet so she can't do math problems on paper yet. I think she'll be able to in less than one month.

Call me a baaaad mom, but her first science experiment was to make a bomb. No kidding. We made a vinegar and baking soda bomb in a bag and tried to explode it in the garden. We failed. I didn't have a lot of vinegar so I halved the recipe and used good quality bags (yes, they are as strong as the commercial claims), so our bag eventually leaked a tiny bit at the zipper rather than burst, but we're going to do it again the right way because it was so much fun and we want to see it explode!

Shake Your Booty

2011-11-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

And shake the rest of you, too. We had another earthquake today. It measured 3.2 on the R-scale.

All of these recent earthquakes have been centered VERY, VERY near me. Today's earthquake's epicenter was about 3 miles from me.

I just keep hoping that all these little ones are relieving the stress on the faults, not building it up.

I 'Member, Mama

2011-11-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

Today while driving, a large, long boxy white van came along side us then in front of us, first on the road and then into the same parking lot. Suddenly, Jie Jie said, "I 'member, mama. In China that kind car come baby. Bye bye baby."

I asked her which baby, but in my heart I already had guessed. "Baby die, mama. Big car, white, like that one, come, take baby. Take big people die, too."

This made me remember about the time my TuTu died in Jan. 2008, when a white van came to take her, too. I shared that with Jie Jie because she seems to have some kind of connection to my grandmother even though they, obviously, never met. In fact, last week, out of the blue, she drew a picture and it was of TuTu in a "box" and she was dead. Jie Jie drew a flower next to it and rain. I have never talked about my grandmother's burial with Jie Jie, but it did rain.

Reflections of Last Year

2011-11-03T22:06:00.001-07:00

If you've followed my blog for very long, you will know that this time last year was horrific. I was chasing Jie Jie's file and spent two months doing it, always on the tail of an agency, one particularly uncooperative, along with forgotten promises to contact me by families reviewing then turning down Jie Jie after reading her file. The amount of time and energy I spent in fervent prayer, along with the prayers of several of you, were eventually heard, but tonight as I walked through Tar*get, I was so glad to see my daughter flitting around in front of me. I felt such a powerful surge of feelings, love for her, amazement, relief that it worked out and she's really mine, etc...

I remember going through Tar*get last year, raiding the sales, never imagining that I'd not find and lock Jie Jie's file. Then, in my deepest darkest moments, wondering if God found me inadequate to mother this child. I later learned that this was sort of the case. The spiritual growth that I experienced during The Great File Hunt made me worthy of being Jie Jie's mother. I know that without a doubt.

So, tonight, as I browsed the store, I marvelled at how fantastic it is to be a mother, specifically, my daughter's mother. I wondered about Apple and the teenager I'd love to find to be my daughter (provided some big miracles occur). I wonder if I'll even be able to give my daughter(s) the ultimate gift, a father to love them as I do. I know that I am fulfilling God's plan and that more blessings are in store for my tiny family of two and I'm looking forward to them more than anything.

A Whole Lot of Kisses

2011-11-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

My darling Jie Jie is falling more and more in love with me. She is showering me with kisses. She wasn't kissed before so I had to teach her about kisses and she's still got some learning to do. For example, today I taught her how to kiss without leaving a saliva trail. She also kisses over and over in the same place, like on my hand, which almost starts to feel like she sucking on me, because her kisses have been so wet. It's funny and sad at the same time.

She says, "I kissy ni lot." (I kiss you a lot)
I aske, "Why do you kiss mama?"
She replies, "I ai ni big one." (I love you a lot)
"Why do you ai wo?" (love me)
"Ni sing me. I like ni sing me."

We've all heard and felt the power of song and music, but this week another mom posted a very touching story of her newly adopted teenage daughter singing to her and what it meant to both of them.

It's amazing that it's the simple things, the most natural ones, that Jie Jie notices and feels the most.

Playing the Baby

2011-11-01T22:33:00.001-07:00

For a couple of weeks now, Jie Jie and the daycare kids play "baby." One of them is the baby and the others take care of the baby. Jie Jie makes sure that everyone gets to be the baby, she's very fair that way, and, eh, bossy, but I keep my eye on this game closely to see if I get any clues as to what her needs may be in relation to her history and make sure it stays appropriate. So far it has.

Tonight after I helped her into her pajamas, she got right into my lap and said she was the baby and wanted to sleep with me holding her. I said that she could and that I love holding her, but that mamas hold their babies while sitting in the rocking chair. Remember, we moved the rocker out of her room several months back and haven't used it in all this time.

She was very interested in finding out what the rocking chair was, even though it was in the livingroom. She didn't know the English word for it and didn't remember when I rocked her in it a long time ago. She LOVED it! She snuggled in and tried her best to fall asleep. I discovered last week that she loves to have her head stroked, as though brushing the hair back from her face, while she's falling asleep. I did that, then started stroking her cheek and tracing her lips with my finger, then her little ear, which tickled too much and she giggled, then grabbed my hand and put it back on her head.

After my arm no longer had any circulation in it, I carried her to bed and tucked her in, all while she stayed "asleep." Then, in mere minutes, was really asleep.

I know she was with her birth family for several months. She was nursed, so that means a lot of snuggling. This week, she's given me a ton of kisses and told me she loves me. I think that she's fallen more in love with me.

I never thought much before about how many layers the depth of a relationship could have, but as we fall deeper and deeper in love with each other, I'm astounded. I have to admit that my favorite part of Halloween was watching her go down the street to go trick-o-treating and seeing the little tail on her costume wriggling back and forth as she skipped and danced.

Happy First Halloween

2011-10-31T23:16:00.001-07:00

I have a champion trick-o-treater! Jie Jie skipped down the street (just 2 long blocks worth) telling me, "Mama, feet no hurt. More! More! More!"

She's been eagerly awaiting Halloween. There's been a lot of talk amongst the daycare kids about it. I prepared her well, spooky stuff and all, and she was looking forward to it very much. We decorated yesterday and today, all day long, she kept grabbing my hand and kissing it and telling me that she is happy.

I had a party for my daycare. She played all the games enthusiastically.

Today she scraped out her first pumpkin and waited and waited while I carved it with the kitty cat face she desperately wanted.

She trick-o-treated like a pro. I wanted her to stand next to the large air-filled cat as its head turned toward her, but each time it turned, she'd get scared and back away. At the end of the night, we were both thrilled to see a very large xiongmao and he posed for a picture with her.

Yes, we did get over 1000 trick-o-treaters. I ran out of candy by 8:50pm and so did one neighbor. The other neighbor bought 2000 pieces this year and stayed out until about 9:30pm.

One Year Ago, Today...

2011-10-31T22:58:00.000-07:00

...I made the biggest decision of my life. This is always going to be a very special date for me. Last year, on Halloween Day, I knew in my heart, without-a-doubt, that Jie Jie was my daughter. I remember praying, as I drove to Costco, for guidance on this. In my heart I already knew, it was just wrapping my head around it. I went into Costco, and without thinking, put the Asian Berenguer doll, now known as Bao Bao, into my cart. I didn't realize at that moment what I was doing, as silly as that sounds. But, a little later when I unloaded that doll from the cart and put it into my car, it struck me that I just bought my daughter her first doll. The decision was made.

After finishing with the trick-o-treaters, I checked my email and found that the SWI had sent me several pictures of Jie Jie taken that day. Much later learned that they were the same pictures that they took to update her file. It was amazing to have decided to adopt this little girl and then to get so many pictures, without asking, on the very same day.

It's very rare to be in contact with the SWI at this time. I didn't realize that it went against normal protocol. I'd originally emailed them after learning that Jie Jie was having surgery and I was curious to know how the surgery went. I was actually advocating to find Jie Jie before realizing she and I were going to be together.

This day, actually almost to the second, last year, was one of the highest of highs I've ever felt. I had made the biggest decision of my life and was super excited to proceed. I stared endlessly at my daughter all day today, these precious remembrances and feelings filling my heart.

Last Minute Mama

2011-10-31T00:52:00.001-07:00

LOL! Yes, I'm one of those even though I knew in China last April that Jie Jie was going to be a xiongmao, panda, for Halloween. It's 12:50am and I just finished sewing her costume. I got her up to use the bathroom and she immediately started looking for it without me having to tell her that I finished it. She's thrilled and I'm happily satisfied. How many years did I imagine sewing a costume for my child?

It brought back memories of my own mother sewing my witch costume dress when I was 5 or 6 years old. I loved that dress!

We are ready for the candy. My street gets over 1000 kids before 9pm. I have a tradition with my neighbor from my apartment. She comes over with some candy and joins me for the evening. Tomorrow, she'll hold down the fort alone for a little of the time while I take Jie Jie to a few houses.

Third Earthquake This Week

2011-10-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

It woke me up early this morning. I think it was a 3.6, but the house shook quite a lot. I was told today that most earthquakes around here are usually deep underground, but that these are rather shallow ones and scientists are scrambling to try and figure out what that means.

There was also a 4.7 earthquake about 200 miles north of me last night.

Luckily, I'm too busy to worry about them all the time, but three in a week is getting to be a bit much for comfort.

House Soooo Clean....

2011-10-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

...I hated to make dinner and get the counters dirty!

Today was house cleaner Take 2 and it went very well. I made sure ahead of time that she wasn't allergic to cats and made sure that she knew that cleaning this house included doing whatever dishes may be in the sink and scooping the cat litter boxes. The whole point of having this kind of help is to have a clean house and have more time for my daughter. What good is a clean kitchen floor and counter tops if I have to spend time washing dishes?

I had the house cleaner come and do a MAJOR clean today. She works with a friend so two women came. It's weird for me to have someone else cleaning my house and while I worked downstairs and heard them working upstairs, a part of me kept wondering if I was doing the right thing. After all, my budget is very tight right now. But...

Then they were done - four hours later! Yes, it took two women four hours to clean my 2 1/2 bedroom, 1 tiny bathroom level. I figured at my best it would have taken me 8 hours, but then I'd have been interupted by my child, pets, phone, errands, work, tiredness, etc...

This major clean was to take care of all the things I just can't get to, like the ceiling fan blades, dusting all the door panels, the windows, which I'm sorry to say still had the dust on them from when I sanded Jie Jie's bookshelf in the kitchen back at the beginning of the year, and then all the daily stuff, like the floors and bathroom.

They charged me less than I thought they would, did a very good job, and the sparkling windows are spectacular. It was a great decision to have had them come and I highly recommend it at least twice a year. I'm going to have them keep coming every couple weeks to "do the rough," if I might borrow that British phrase. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I won't have to do any heavy cleaning and can spend time focused on my daughter. I really wished I'd done this right before going to China like one of my blogger friends did. I just didn't think of it. If you want to know what gift to give, I hope you'll consider pooling with others to give the gift of a house cleaner, at least once. It's a double gift. The recipient gets a clean house and someone gets a job, and that will help our nation's economy.

Parenting A Child With Special Needs

2011-10-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

When you were a little girl, did you imagine yourself as a mother? Did you imagine your child as anything but healthy? Did you imagine your child would need a wheelchair, multiple surgeries, or that your child's skin wouldn't stay on their body? I have to throw in that last one because it's EB Awareness Week. Click on Williams Family Blog in my right side menu to learn more!

In the beginning of my adoption journey, which began in early 2006, I was open to a child with a special need. I didn't have anything specific in mind, but I knew I was open to something. When the time came to finally go with an agency, mine wasn't accredited for special needs at that time, but in my homestudy, I still had the statement included that I was open to a child with a special need, though the social worker wrote "mild" in there, too.

Then, I had nearly 4 years to imagine life with my non-special need child, Apple, the one I'm still waiting for. Part of me always accepted that she might have a special need that wasn't diagnosed, but it was a vague notion. Suddenly, a new program opens up in China and 7 months later, I'm home with my beautiful, perfect daughter. Perfect, yes, because we are so perfect for each other. But her body didn't form perfectly and I am now a mother to a child with special needs. NEEDS - plural. I knew that my daughter's need involved more than on part of her. I knew that there was a spectrum and she was at the more severe end. I knew about her little legs. I didn't know about her feet, but the information was there if I'd known where to look, and I'm not surprised, and I wasn't at the time I took off her little shoes and socks in China for the first time. In fact, I remember saying to my friend, "We've got some very unique feet."

What I am facing now, is learning how to parent my little girl with her special needs, along with the fact that she was adopted at the age of 7 years old. I think I come across as a very over-protective mother at first glance, but can finally put into words one of my gravest concerns:

Because I haven't had my daughter very long, because she grew up in a rural Chinese orphanaged and had never been outside of it, she doesn't have the experience or skills needed to filter all the behavorior she sees, or the moral compass to navigate with. If she sees kids having a good time, she wants to join in, regardless of what they are doing, good, bad, dangerous or otherwise. She also doesn't know to ask others for help and she's an easy target for anyone who wants to exploit her.

Don't get me wrong. She is very smart. She behaves very well. But ignorance is ignorance and experience truly matters.

She also doesn't know her own physical limits and I don't either, but we're learning. Honestly, we've applied for a handicap parking placard. My back is messed up from carrying her and the bag of necessities that accompanies us everywhere. We don't need it for the grocery store, but for big church events or museums, etc., where parking is hard and far, we've had some pretty painful times. The last of my blisters is finally healing after carrying Jie Jie down to the lowest of lows of the lower parking lot at our interstake center, a large meetinghouse for several area chapels. The hike down was three weeks ago! We were lucky to hitch a shuttle ride up. Another not-so-secret is that we use the stroller A LOT. Jie Jie is very energetic and plays hard, runs, jumps and all that "normal" stuff, but at play, she can and does stop when she needs to, most of the time. When we're out, we can't always stop and after three days of limping after a small zoo trip covering only half our small zoo, I knew we needed to reevaluate handling Jie Jie's feet.

It's hard to believe looking at my little nugget fully clothed that our van will soon be sporting a handicap placard, but one look at her in shorts paints a different picture. I never imagined it. Do I mind? On one level I mind for my little girl's sake; that her body didn't form in a healthy way. Reality, though, I can't wait! Today my back is screaming and I'm looking forward to our chiropractic appointment this evening. I welcome anything that will assist us where we need it. Anything that will help prevent my daughter from being in pain, and maintain good health is at the top of our list.

I admit to a new fear, a small one, but necessary, that sits at the back of my mind. Since learning about Jie Jie's spinal anomalies, I am more concerned about injuries. If she hurts her neck or her back, she may need radical treatment vs. treatment that a child with a normal spine would have. Same for her ankles and feet. A twisted ankle could mean major surgery.

There are many things like this going through my mind, as I learn how to be a good mother to my daughter and begin to understand the changes I need to make to accommodate her special needs. I am more eager to connect with other mothers like me, especially ones who have older children and have adjusted to this kind of parenthood because they have valuable resources and advice.

First Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

2 Earthquakes Here Today

2011-10-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

We are shaking today! This afternoon we had a 4.0 and tonight a 3.9 along a local fault line. The second one felt stronger to me, but it was because it lasted longer than the first one and I was upstairs in the house.

I was here during The Big One 20 years ago. Honestly, earthquakes do scare me, but there are disasters everywhere, which helps keep things in perspective. Being a mom has made it harder. My fear is that I won't be able to get to my daughter. Tonight I got to her almost before the shaking stopped and she was fast asleep. My cats really go berserk.

There is no theory that I know of as to whether or not several small to moderate earthquakes are going to relieve pressure underground and help prevent a bigger earthquake or if the opposite happens and pressure builds up until there is a big one.

I can only have faith that I'm as prepared as possible and maintain a level head when the earth shakes and the walls around me don't seem very secure after all.

This Week In Photos

2011-10-19T22:22:00.000-07:00

After church this last Sunday.

I sewed this outfit about 18 year ago and always imagined it on an Asian child.

Last Saturday, we went to my favorite restaurant for the first time and I realized another dream: sharing this dessert with my daughter!

It tasted sooo good!

Ear Plugs & Other News & 1 Regret

2011-10-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your comments lately, especially after the dentist thing. After reading everything and thinking it over, I have decided to look for a new dental practice. What became the determining thought came from a commenter who really hit the nail on the head and put into words what I need: A TEAM. As I coordinate all of Jie Jie's care, I know see that I am assembling a TEAM and we must all work together, no dictators allowed. I'm glad to be able to say that our local pediatrician is proving to be a great team member and she is going to advocate for us to go to the out-of-state hospital, though it's going to really be up to the local pediatric surgeon. I have spoken with him once and my pediatrician confirmed my thoughts, that the surgeon is very reasonable.

Jie Jie's sleep continues to be disrupted from her norm. I think that most of the trauma is past so I really thank the commenter who mentioned that the anasthesia itself could have thrown things off, too, but most likely she's still just hyper-aware right now. Last night I had Jie Jie wear ear plugs to bed and she did sleep 11 hours. I realize this may sound like a dream to most of you, but my daughter ALWAYS sleeps 11-14 hours a night, so 7-9 hour nights were not enough for her and she's been sporting dark circles under her eyes and has been super sensitive emotionally. She asked for the earplugs again tonight and fell asleep tightly clutching my hand. TIGHTLY!

Jie Jie also wanted to be held all evening long and told me so and said how much she likes when I hold her and that she wanted me to hold her for a long time, which I did. She is becoming more and more aware of how her body is different. She is getting upset by it. We were talking about her birth story last night and she asked if her birth "baba" cried when she was born and he saw her special need. It's important that I not read too much into this, but the way she said it gave me great pause. I have seen instances of children who remember details of their birth, and read books on it as part of my doula studies. I wonder if this was a memory.

After this conversation, more details of her orphanage life came out, including a story of a woman who came to take care of her when her tummy hurt. This woman made some kind of drink from something like a twig. Today we happened to go through some videos trying to find a dancing video when I clicked on one of the visit to the SWI and she recognized this woman. I was thrilled to learn about this woman because I felt such an affinity to her when I met her in China. This woman reminds me of my TuTu (grandmother), who did in 2008. There was just something about her that drew me to her. Now I discover she had some knowledge of natural healing methods and gave comfort to my daughter. The drink worked, according to my daughter.

In other news, Jie Jie read the entire alphabet by herself yesterday for the first time!!! She still can't recite it without seeing the letters and she have been able to sign all the letters when she sees them for some time now. She is a very strong visual learner and a weak auditory learner. I'm hoping that as her grasp of the English language gets stronger, so will her auditory learning skills. She still cannot sing an entire song, not a single one, but we are doing fun poems with hand motions, too, which is a big help.

Last Sunday, she stayed up in Sunday School all by herself while I went downstairs. She joined one of the younger kid classes being taught by a mom who is a friend of ours, and they were coloring, one of her favorite things to do. She was so happy to be coloring a picture of Jesus (JeSu - in Chinese) surrounded by children and she asked if I got to color a picture of JeSu in my class, too! My friend said that Jie Jie did perfectly well up to the end when the class was over and some kids left to find their moms and hadn't made my way up the stairs yet, then Jie Jie said, "Mama," twice with a little worry in her voice. Then I was there and all was well.

Now for my one BIG regret: I regret that I ever taught Jie Jie the word "sorry." She over uses it. She apologizes to me for every little thing, whether it's her fault or not. I am trying to break her of this habit. I ask her, "Did it hurt mama? Then there is no sorry." I also tell her, when applicable, that the correct word to say is, "Oops or Uh oh." At first I thought it was a language thing, but she really is afraid she's done something she needs to apologize for.

A word she is over using lately due to not fully grasping the meaning is "cute." Everything is cute, from writing a number 6 for the first time, to the food on her plate. We're working on it and I'm working on myself not to get annoyed at the repetition, but to see the humor in it.

I've arranged our first big girl playdate for this Friday. Two girls (7 & 9) and their mom will come over for pizza and play time in the spa. Jie Jie is desperate for play time with some girls her age even though she's never had any. She is growing up in some ways and needs positive role models.

Am I Jinxed?

2011-10-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Can you stand to read another medical issue post? I really need to know if most of the people in the medical field are inept, or if I'm just jinxed. I can see how billions of dollars per year are wasted due to idiotic mistakes. Take today's example:

Jie Jie needed to give more samples to see if the Giardia and her UTI are gone. After church, we drove to the hospital and went to the lab. We were the only ones there, so it wasn't busy at all. The man in charge of giving out the specimen containers handed me two, plus a paper cup and some large popsicle sticks, which he touched with his bare hands. I pointed out to him that he just contaminated the sample by touching the sticks. He gave me news ones. Then I asked if he'd given me the right containers for the fecal sample. He said yes, then decided to double-check. Sure enough, he'd given me the wrong one.

I'm not an expert by any means, but the first time we did this, there were two containers, narrow jars filled with fluid that one added the poop to and then mixed by shaking. The instructions were very specific. It made sense to me that since we were testing for same thing that the containers should be the same.

What if I wasn't a person who put two and two together? At the very least, we'd have had to return to the lab to provide another sample in the correct container. At the most, the lab would have run the test, perhaps even the wrong test, and then we'd have had a false result, or, along the way it would have been caught and we'd have to return, but time and money would also have been wasted in the lab.

Should this many mistakes continually be made? Is this the new normal and I'm just not with the program? Do you experience this level of incompetence, too, with your child's medical care? Am I doing something wrong to be a target of this continuing incompetence? Is it like this everywhere or is this Kaiser-specific?

54 Months is 4 1/2 Years

2011-10-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

The months and years of waiting are adding up. One day, the counting will stop and my referral will be here. I actually bought a little dress for Apple a week or so ago.

Preparing for War

2011-10-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

When Jie Jie went through her dental procedure, the anasthetic had a side effect that I thought was positive and wanted to know more about it. I had a telephone consulation with the local specialist in this area and we spoke for 55 minutes. In that whole conversation, the specialist was not at all knowledgable or interested in the side effect, but wanted to get my daughter under general anasthesia again so he could examine and "map" her anatomy, where it's different, and run cameras and dye into her. This exam does need to be done, eventually, but I really wanted to know why she reacted as she did to the Propofol, first and foremost.

I couldn't let this rest. I had a terrible niggling feeling that this specialist wasn't competent to handle Jie Jie's special need, that he should have been more interested is why Jie Jie had this side effect. Honestly, I know she looks great in her pictures and she functions very well, but her need is complicated and at the severe end of the spectrum, and it's life-long.

So, I called the children's hospital in another state that is the world leader in this special need and spoke to a nurse specialist. In ten minutes she was able to double check the most probable reason for the side effect, and, explain why it's not a good thing to have happened. Uh oh. That white lightening bolt of fear slashed through my heart, while, at the same time, certain knowledge that local specialist, the one and only in my HMO, definitely isn't qualified to care for my daughter. My hospital doesn't even have the diagnostic equipment to check what needs to be checked. AND, I don't believe any of these doctors even know that they can't check for what needs to be checked because they just haven't dealt with this before. They think they checked already and declared Jie Jie fine, but due to her low muscle mass, the test can come back falsely healthy. Essentially, it might already be too late. Some damage could already have been done and the damage we are talking about is to an organ essential for life, but transplantable, if necessary.

I am calling a conference with Jie Jie pediatrician to get the ball rolling to be sent outside my HMO to the out-of-state hospital and I won't let up until we are there. The local pediatric surgeon I consulted with is very good and I have faith that he'd do great surgery, but it's the rest of the care Jie Jie needs that can't be found locally. This surgeon wants us to stay local simply for the reason that we live here and will need life long support, but I have had more support from this out of state hospital so far, than anything found locally. I should mention that I've been in email and phone contact with the out of state hospital from day one and they've been fabulous.

Please pray that this process will go smoothly for us, that I won't have to "go to war" and expend so much energy fighting for this that is takes away from the time and energy I need to be a good mother. At the same time, please pray for another special family, whose blog is private. They just received the news that their child has a special need quite different from what they thought and the prognosis is terminal. I'm having a hard time wrapping my heart and head around that and can only imagine what this family, especially this child's mother, is going through at this time. All the while, I am also giving thanks for the divine miracle given to another family whose daughter was also given a diagnosis that was terminal and now, a healing miracle occurred that has given this family hope that their daughter will be eligible for a heart transplant that will save her life.

Parents of children with special needs are in such a marvelously indescribable place, so near to God, often, because all that is occurring with our children is in His hands and without our faith in Christ, I don't know how we'd get through it. We have a front row seat to modern day miracles that are astounding even the most highly trained specialists in the most prestigous medical establishments and a front row seat to the miracles that occur in our own homes and hearts on an almost daily basis.

Good Times

2011-10-13T23:04:00.001-07:00

My fencing club's annual beach picnic.
I dug a tunnel and the next thing I know, Jie Jie buried herself in it!

Fun in our new spa. The water is now perfectly clear.
The therapy is working well, the right muscles are getting worked on and we're getting into a routine with it. I'm so glad I bought it. You can see how deep it is for Jie Jie in the second photo where she is standing in the middle.

Sunset over the Pacific, the evening of our picnic.

These are size 4/5, T*rget brand. Jie Jie likes these a lot, but couldn't figure out why I was making the feet long for this picture.

Post Traumatic Stress

2011-10-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a week now since Jie Jie's dental experience and she is still not back to her normal sleeping pattern. So far, after having any type of medical exam, she cannot fall asleep the same night or for several nights, but this is her longest stretch so far.

She usually falls asleep in about 30 seconds after getting into bed and sleeps 11-14 hours a night straight through. If I wake her up to use the toilet, she falls right back to sleep.

The night she had her dental work done, she tried very hard to fall asleep but every time she was almost there, her eyes would open wide. If I asked her what was going on, she'd start to cry and say, "Sleepy medicine, doctor coming." That first night, after many hours of lying with her to no avail, I let her watch her Chinese cartoon video for an hour then we both went to bed, in the wee hours.

The next few nights, after she would finally fall alseep, I'd not awaken her to use toilet, but then she had an accident so I started to do so again. If she managed to fall asleep without too much trouble, she definitely couldn't fall back to sleep after going to the bathroom and we were back to the prolonged wakefullness.

Tonight she is very, very tired and it's 11pm and she's still up. She fell into a light sleep an hour ago but awakened when I checked on her so I had her use the bathroom and now she's back in bed, eyes wide open.

She said she doesn't know why she can't fall asleep. I don't know if it's a physical memory of being put under anasthesia or an emotional memory or both, but she's definitely struggling with it.

We Just Called Jie Jie's SWI

2011-10-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight Jie Jie decided it was time to call her PoPo, her caregiver, so we did. It was really on a whim, but we got through easily and they were all very excited to speak to her. Unfortunately, Jie Jie couldn't remember how to speak in her native dialect, though I could tell it was just below the surface, and I could only mutter a phrase or two in Mandarin. I really don't think it mattered. I think that they were so happy to hear from her, that it was worth it.

I Can't Sleep Tonight

2011-10-10T03:15:00.000-07:00

I fell more in love with my daughter over the last four days.

I held her when she suffered pain and she clung to me, pitiously crying.

I carried her on my back until I ached.

I stayed up holding her and lying next to her into the wee hours of the night on the night her dental work was done because each time she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, she remembered the "sleepy medicine" and "doctor coming." We talked about being safe in our house, that only mama was here and no doctors, but she was remembering more than just the dentist, I think. We finally got up and watched Yon Yon, her Chinese goat cartoon.

I fed her off my tiniest baby spoon because she couldn't open her mouth for anything larger. I felt like Mother of the Year when I made chicken congee and she tasted it and declared that it was called "Ju Ah" and she gobbled it up. I can't describe the feeling of joy I had that I was able to make one of her comfort foods from China, just like her caregiver made.

She showered me with kisses, gently so her lips didn't hurt, each time I did something that made her happy, like let her swim in the spa, play with her new play doh set, or take a stroll in the carriage after sunset with her doll Bao Bao nestled in beside her.

We stood in line after a violin concert for over an hour, past 10pm, so she could have her picture taken with the virtuoso. It wasn't the music as much as the dress that enthralled her. I thought for sure Jie Jie would tire and give up, but she didn't.

Jenny Oaks Baker, virtuoso violist,
just released a new album featuring Disney music.

I do more than stare at her when she sleeps. I pull the covers up, place my hand on her shoulder, caress her little cheek, stroke her hair, move her into a better position on her pillow...

How I love my child!

A Child With Special Needs - To Parents

2011-10-10T02:43:00.001-07:00

This is a post that isn't coming out quite right even though it seemed perfect in my head.

I think I'll start and stop with this until I can sort it all out:

We are special parents!

After the Dentist

2011-10-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

This was my little darling at the dentist's office when we first arrived. She was very relaxed and happy and so was I. What I am about to tell you is without embellishment. The reason I'm going to give you all the details is so that you will always be ready to advocate for your child and protect your child and yourself, your rights as a mother, when you least expect you have to. Please keep all comments positive and respectful. The last thing I want to read is that I should "trust the professionals."

The night before my daughter's appointment, the anesthesiologist called me to go over the sedation procedure. The drugs were going to be given as follows: Versed, nitrous oxide, insert IV, Propofol. I told him that I was not willing to give my daughter the Versed or nitrous oxide unless she needed it, as long as he used a local numbing spray before inserting the IV and as long as her veins looked good for insertion, meaning that he wouldn't have to dig around under the skin for a vein. After some conversation, we agreed that we could probably skip one of the premed drugs, but he was willing to meet my daughter and look at her veins before deciding. I was happy with this.

I am a person who believes that you do not put any drugs into a body unless there is a need to do so. Many of the drugs routinely used on children have not been tested on them. We do not know the long-term effects of most of these drugs. Many drugs, including Versed and nitrous oxide, do not often work as the doctors would like to make you think they do. Versed is supposed to make children not remember, but many, a whole lot, in fact, do. Nitrous oxide can cause panic attacks.

Promptly after arriving in the waiting area, the dentist appeared. He is a large man, tall and completely bald; a very imposing figure. He immediately began a militant tirade in a raised voice, looming over me, of how he is in charge and his word is the final say, over the anesthesiologist, and my daughter will receive exactly what he said she will and that I have no choice at all in this and that he will not change what he does and if I do not accept this I can go elsewhere. He ended with the order to, "Think about it," then left.

I cannot remember if, during this tirade I got one word in, or if he came back to have another go at me, but I did tell him that I had already made an agreement with the anasthesiologist, after which he announced he was in charge and no one else had any say in the matter. I also told him that my daughter was not the same frightened child he met four months ago, that we'd been through more medical stuff and she now trusted me and knew enough English that she was well-prepared. I mentioned that children raised in orphanages often lived with high cortisole levels, a stress hormone, that made them react differently to Versed, namely, that it didn't work well on many of them. I also told him that any decisions concerning my daughter are not his; they are mine, as her mother. He ranted further at me, glared, etc....

Some time between the first and second tirade, I prayed that I would know if my daughter should have the premed and agree with the dentist or if the dentist will realize that my daughter didn't need the premed and would relinquish his demand.

Through all of this, I was calm. I looked him straight in the eye. I never raised my voice. I stuck to facts. I was so strong! I also was given the insight to recognize this as a tactic. I could clearly see his side. He must have to deal with hysterical, know-it-all, bossy, scared, nutty parents and their children all the time. I even said so to him. He was a master at intimidation and getting these parents "into line." I felt sorry for him, but I was appalled that he'd resorted to this, especially with me. It was terribly unprofessional and I've had it up to the top of my head with unprofessionalism!

Finally, he said from down the hallway, "I don't want to stand in the way of your child's care."

I asked, "Does this mean you will send Dr. M in now?"

He replied, "Yes."

Enter Dr. M, the anasthesiologist. Nice man. Also large and imposing, but relaxed, personable. I asked what the problem with the dentist was and he said that that dentist was just used to doing things a certain way. I said, "I thought we had an agreement..." He said we still did and that we'd bring my daughter into the room and get started and see what happens. I said, "Just pull up her sleeves now and look at her veins. If they look good, let's get the show on the road. If not, we'll follow your usual protocol, starting out here, as usual."

He did as I said, found a good vein. We went into the room and my daughter was amazing. She tried to see what was going on, then I told her I'd tell her when the poke was coming. She was curious, nervous, but doing very well. I told her to look at my eyes and I sang to her. She didn't feel the needle go in, thanks to a topical spray and in seconds, she was unconscious.

I read a book in the waiting room. I was calm. The procedure took just over one hour and I had two updates during that time. Things were going well, slightly better than expected, in fact. Afterward, the dentist came in to tell me that he was done, things were fine, that her lips would be swollen and she'd have tape marks on her eyes and nose. He also told me that he gave her Novacaine to help with the pain afterward. He never mentioned this ahead of time. I would have liked to have been able to prepared Jie Jie for this sensation ahead of time. A little while later, the anasthesiologist carried my daughter in to me and I held her as she fully regained consciousness.

I am not ignorant of how surgical patients look after their procedures. I have seen surgeries and have seen how rough certain procedures are because they have to be and how rough they are because of careless doctors. My daughter looked like she'd been beaten. They stretched her mouth open so far that it tore in the corners on both sides. She did go into it having chapped lips, but now they were completely cracked open all the way across both lips. They continued to bleed for two days when she smiled or cried. She still has scabs in the corners.

The dentist acted very matter-of-fact. He did not apologize for or in any way acknowledge his previous behavior. He did not in any way acknowledge that my daughter did a good job and was brave and had come such a long way since the last time he met her. However, all the staff did say what a trouper she was. As I sat there with my little nugget fussing and coming into full consciousness, I heard an 11 year old down the hall getting hysterical over the Versed they were about to squirt into her nostril and listened as she screamed and yelled as she was given nitrous oxide. The comparison was clear. My daughter was amazing!

My friend who accompanied me to China and is a dental hygienist and wife of a dentist said I should write this dentist a letter. Another friend said her kids were with the practice and they left it because they didn't like it. Today, another friend said he'd noticed the dentist getting "grouchy with age."

I don't feel the need to send a letter. I said all I needed to to this man's face. I got what the anasthesiologist and I agreed on for my daughter. I am very unhappy about her over-stretched mouth. She also had skin ripped off with the tape when the IV was removed. I use medical tape on my daughter every day, pertaining to her special need, and another medical grade adhesive as well, and only once in 6 months did I take any skin off and it wasn't from lack of gentleness, but having to remove the adhesive before it's time due to failure of part of it.

I already know that if I stick with the practice, I'll change to a different dentist, but I'm not sure I want to stick with this practice. Again, I truly can see the dentist's perspective so it's less about his tirade and more about the unnecessary roughness with my child's mouth and the tape. Why add to the pain she was already going to be in. Honestly, her lips were more sore than her teeth! I would love to know your opinions based on your own experiences with your child's dentist.

I am posting the following pictures so you can see what is normal after anasthesia, a crying child, still a bit out-of-it, and so that you can see her lips.

All done, going home. Trying to smile.

Smiling hurt too much.

Cozy and safe at home watching Big Bird in China for the first time.

The next evening, Friday.

Saturday evening.
Tape residue still on her forehead and cheek.

Big Day Tomorrow

2011-10-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning, Jie Jie will be going under general anethesia in the dentist's office to have her teeth fixed. She will have something done to all but 4 of the teeth in her mouth, including extractions, crowns, spacers and fillings and more.

In my religion, men who hold the holy priesthood can give people special blessings and I had Jie Jie blessed tonight. Essentially, she was blessed with strength to handle the procedures, to heal well and to finanlly be free of painand for the doctors to have skill. I also asked for and received a blessing that I would feel calm and confindent and be able to assemble all the best medical specialist and other team members that is possible, throughout all that Jie Jie will need.

Please remember us in your prayers. While under anesthesia, the doctor will intubate my daughter and then "bag" her, which means manually squeeze a bag attached to the tube he will place in her windpipe to breathe for her. This is the part that I'm most nervous about. While she will be monitored as carefully as if she was in a hospital, she is not in a hospital, so the medical back-up, in case of an emergency, is an ambulance ride away and the nearest hospital doesn't have a pediatric unit at all. However, I was told that in all the years this dentist and pediatric anesthesiologist have been doing this, nothing has ever gone wrong.

There is also the psychological effect to consider for Jie Jie. She has been doing very well, but I cannot know for sure if she will have any post traumatic memories come up. Tonight she told me that, while in China for her last surgery, they made her swallow white, round pills. The information I received said she didn't have a fever, but when I asked her what they were for, she touched her skin and said, "hot, cold." She said that the pills hurt her throat and they gave her a lot of water and that she cried. This all came out after I explained to her that I had medicine for her if she had pain afterward. She asked if the medicine was "smooshie," which I think was her way of asking if it was liquid. Then she told me all about the pills she had in China.

6 Month Anniversary of Forever Family Day!!!

2011-09-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

Our first family portrait taken at the Nanchang Civil Affairs Office.
This is the photo on our adoption certificate.

Wow! Has it really been 6 months, half a year? Was is this time last year that I was reading a little girl's file and didn't know her yet? Was it this time six months ago that she walked through a doorway, every so tiny, and into my arms and heart?

I can scarcely believe that I haven't always had her. I can hardly remember my life before she came into it, other than painting a little pink room. But HERE is the proof that there was a day it all began for us together!

Waterpark Play Last Tuesday

2011-09-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

What's In a Name? Part 2

2011-09-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming.

A note to some readers who joined later, Jie Jie means big sister in Chinese and is not my daughter's name, nor do I call her this. It is only her online pseudonym.

So far, my aunty agrees with me about not being able to imagine Jie Jie with an English name. Understand, this is coming from an aunty with 6 children who each have a Hawaiian name and an English name, 3 go by their Hawaiian name and 3 go by their English name. My own middle name is Hawaiian and I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. One sister goes by her Hawaiian name and one brother goes by his Japanese name. So, growing up having to spell and explain one's name is quite common in my family.

My dad suggests going with what I feel is right for my daughter and, after some thought, after I caught him in the middle of a nasty computer problem, says he likes the name I found and that it's more important to do what I think is right for us then trying to please people who hear her name. But, he did say that when he's been in Taiwan, all his friends give their kids English names and the school kids introduce themselves using their English names.

The first part of my daughter's name comes from a saying, "Spare no effort; do one's utmost," and the second part has to do with water (forgive me for being vague, but I don't want anyone to be able to look her name up, I have a public blog by value my privacy). The two names don't have to go together, but on her translated Chinese birth certificate, the names in English are put together with an apostrophe. Total, there are only 4 letters in her name.

Unusually, it seems that the first part of her first name is actually more connected to the orphanage surname. Many of the children at her SWI have the same first part of the name after the surname. In fact, they seemed to have only a few names that they used, my daughter's part being extrememly common and another name, Meng, is used a lot as the first part of the first name of many of the children.

What makes her name unique is the way she pronounces it. I don't know if this is a sort of baby way of saying her name, like an endearment of it, a local dialect, or what. She is so used to hearing her name said this way that when I use it, even if I'm in another room on the phone discussing her name, she comes to me, thinking I've called her over. Other than me, only children seem to say it like she does.

The Chinese middle name that I'm considering means the two exact words that I've always used to describe her from the moment I met her and got to know her. I couldn't believe that there was a name with those two words together. It's very pretty and I almost wish I could use it as her first name. But, as a middle name, it flows nicely with her first name and our last name.

She likes having her SWI surname in there, too, but I still need to find out if it's appropriate in Chinese or would be an error.

As for family names, the beautiful Hawaiian names have been used to death. Each time another family member uses them, it's a chorus of, "Oh no, another one." Honestly, I don't like our English family names, not even my own, which is why I go by the Japanese version of the nickname for this name. Our names are not common these days but were when we were named, they are not unusual either, but I don't think they sound pretty at all. They certainly don't fit Jie Jie. Does she look like a Roberta, Polly, Marguerite or Hazel to you?

As for Jie Jie, she is already learning that when people ask her name, it's easier for them to say it the formal way, rather than the common nickname way or the endearment nickname way. I guess this is the best way to explain it:

The Formal Way (just like it's written, w/o surname)
Common Nickname (repeating part of the name two times)
Endearment or dialect nickname (impossible to spell)

I'm going to think of this some more....

P.S. 11:48pm I was re-watching our Family Day video of when we met and I can hear the orphanage director in the background calling my daughter using her name as my daughter pronounces it, endearment or dialect way, but when I ask how to pronounce it, she gave me the Formal Way. It's amazing how much more I notice every time I watch the video.

What's In a Name?

2011-09-27T19:25:00.001-07:00

I started the paperwork for the re-adopt, the process that will grant Jie Jie and English birth certificate. It's also my chance to come up with her final name.

I'm not good at naming anything, whether it's a cat or person or even a business. Jie Jie's name is her given Chinese name. It's unusual, but short. She doesn't want a different name, and I don't blame her. I like it; it suits her. How she pronounces her name is completely impossible to spell and it's what I call her myself. The formal pronounciation of her name is quite easy to say and this is what I taught her to introduce herself as.

So far, she isn't good at naming anything either, from dolls to kittens. She still doesn't understand what I mean by English or Chinese, but I think today she just started getting a glimmer of understanding.

I looked at the Social Security name list, which ranks the top 1000 names for 2010 and there's not one on there that suits her. Next, I looked at Chinese names and found something we both like, something to add for a middle name. It's not hard to pronounce, but it's not easy either. It decribes her to a T and it's pretty. There is also a famous Chinese swimmer with that name and Jie Jie loves to swim, so I thought that was coincidental. We both like it. Jie Jie also likes the Chinese surname she came with, which is the name all the children at her SWI have. Since she lived there for so long, I do consider it part of her identity and the way the orphanage director pronounced her whole name was nice, so I don't mind keeping it in her name somewhere. However, I'd hate for a Chinese person to come up to me someday and say I really named her something nonsensical.

The Chinese people I know have encouraged me to give her a simple English name. All the guides in China for the agencies had English names. My dad told me that all the kids in school in Taiwan introduce themselves by English names.

We live in a diverse world, now, though. Is an English name truly necessary?

I would love to hear your comments on this.

Hydrotherapy & Other Exercises

2011-09-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

Last week at the chiropractor I learned something about the way a body frame and muscles come together. Jie Jie has some muscles that are atrophied, underdeveloped and/or missing and/or malformed, with poor innervation. To look at her at the park, you'd think she's fine. Put her on a bike with pedals, ask her to try and stand on tip toe or stand on one foot or squat and you'd see she has a problem.

I think that each parent of a child with special needs faces a dilemma of deciding what is "good enough" and what is "reaching the fullest potential." There are so many kids that can't even walk, so what is riding a bike - really? Do we NEED to stand on tip toe or do we just pull out a ladder each time something is out of our reach? Stand on one foot? Why not do as Jie Jie does and lean against the wall to put your pants on each morning?

Let's leave childhood and peek into adulthood - especially older age. How we walk on our feet affects the growth and development of our knees, hips (pelvis) and back. Aging is hard enough with a healthy body, what's it like for someone with a body that didn't start out healthy?

Jie Jie needs to focus on developing specific muscle groups. She moves so well when at play that I didn't realize her limitations until we started specific exercises last week. For example, she can barely lift her head up off the floor when lying on her back with her knees bent. Forget about doing one single sit-up or crunch. She's never had to coordinate her legs in a flutter kick for swimming. She does a bicycle kick instead, which is what very young children do, but usually don't do any more after learning to swim properly. Can you bend your knees and rock your pelvis front to back and side to side without bending over at your waist or rocking your shoulders? Jie Jie can't, but she can learn to do it. Why should she? Our spines attach to our pelvises and we want our hips even so our spines are even, right? Jie Jie needs to make her pelvis flexible so it can move like it's designed to, for the health of her spine.

If you were 7 years old...

and had to learn to do a crunch and other abdominal exercises but couldn't even lift your head off the floor to get started, how encouraged would you feel?

If doing scissor kicks while lying across a small bench made your neck hurt, how many do you think you could do?

Could you do enough every day to make a difference? Would you like it? Would you cry? Would you feel bad about your body? How would you feel about your mama, who made you do this?

With some careful orchestrating, I've helped Jie Jie succeed at her exercises because it was readily apparent that she couldn't do them and felt terribly discouraged about it and in pain. There is no way she can do enough each day to make a difference because she gets exausted and I have to work to put food on our table and can't spend all day doing exercises off and on with her.

So, I hit craigs*list and found our new (to us) hydrotherapy pool!

It's a beauty and the price was sooo right, nearly free. But, I have to pay a bit more for hauling it home and hooking it up (I need a little electrical work done for this). I feel so blessed that a tub of this size came our way so fast. Jie Jie is so small, that if she stands in the center, the water will come up to her chin, at least. It's twice her height across each way and even longer diagonally. The heater works!!! So do the jets and bubbles, but we don't need those except for fun. It looks like it will arrive Sunday and should be hooked up and running by the end of next week.

So, bye-bye bench and hello flutter kicking while holding onto the side of our new "pool," or maybe, eventually, a kickboard while swimming around in a circle. I think that learning to balance on one foot in water is much more fun and easy than trying to do it on dry land. If "swimming" was my reward for shaking my hips back and forth and front to back, I'd sure be more inclined to get it done, wouldn't you?

And mama gets to relax and have a jet and bubble back massage because I can tell you that I'm living with some really bad back pain lately from carrying around Jie Jie's mega-bag (the bag we need to take everywhere with us) and from carrying her, which, sadly, isn't happening much right now because of the pain, and she really needs it as part of our bonding. She misses it a lot and I can see that it hurts her feelings when I tell her I can't pick her up. She knows my back hurts and seems concerned, but that doesn't fill the need inside her to be carried.

Visit to Another Specialist

2011-09-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

Today we saw our G.I. Specialist for the first time. She was very good and seemed very competent. She also readily admitted that Kaiser doesn't have what we need in one very important area.

Our visit was mostly consultation and a little examination. Jie Jie did very well. The tests we need are going to be hard on Jie Jie so we will wait until after Jan. 1, 2012 when I can schedule most of them together and do as many as possible with her under general anesthesia.

Horsing Around

2011-09-18T23:59:00.001-07:00

This weekend was particularly wonderful with Jie Jie. I had a half-formed plan to attend a sewing/craft expo, but wasn't too attached to the idea. We got up late on Saturday morning and stopped in at my fencing club to catch up on the latest news. While we were there, a man came in for the first time, new to the area, and wanting to start fencing. He turned out to be a race horse trainer. His job is to "train the babies" or yearlings and get them ready to take a jockey. My daughter asked to see the horses, which of course was impossible as they were not with the man. But it got me thinking... Why not go on a horse hunt and head into the nearby canyon where I have driven past several horse businesses. We were both excited and 25 minutes later past a place with riders in the arena. We stopped and they let us enter and we had a couple hours of meeting about 50 horses, a few riders, a hilarious chihuahua puppy and we even got to feed some horses some apples off our palms, something I'd always been too chicken to do as a child, but craved to do as an adult and watch a horse have a shower. One rider mentioned a horse show happening on Sunday at a nearby arena, so today we packed a picnic lunch, a bag of apples from our tree for the horses and, after a little church, went out and watched some horse jumping.

Everyone was very friendly and gave me some pointers on how best to feed a horse an apple. It involves some serious bravery since one must get close enough to the horse to feel some lips and teeth on the palm, but I still have all ten fingers I started out with!

Jie Jie even got to sit on a ribbon-winning horse and take a little walk on him. She was scared, but still did it. The horse was bareback so I think when it started to move and Jie Jie felt the rippling muscles beneath her, she got nervous. I explained how she needed to move with the horse and she did great!

The white sweetie below is named Mac 'n Cheese. It's amazing how popular one is with the horses when carrying a plastic bag full of apples. I had no idea, but they were head butting me like a dog eager for a scratch on the head. It's a little scary when the really big horses do this. I mean, their heads are as large as my torso. Of all the competition horses, I thought the black one with the white "paint spill" over the back was the prettiest.

What made this weekend special was that we ended up having this much fun because of Jie Jie. It was so easy to say, "Sure, let's go find some horses," and drive off and have such a wonderful adventure. I hope that when she's grown, she'll remember this weekend fondly, not so much because of the horses, but because she has a mom who let her pick her own adventure and see it through.

Sam is quite a tolerant cat. He often finds his naps disturbed when a certain little girl covers him up with his favorite blanket, adds a music box, a stuffed animal, and tucks him in. Good fellow that he is, he just yawns and falls back to sleep.

53 Months Waiting for Apple

2011-09-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

It was 53 months as of yesterday. Time is ticking. I'm starting to feel excited. I have a definite savings plan in place to cover travel expenses when the time comes. I can hear you all! That collective sigh and, "IF it ever comes!" It will come, trust me.

Meanwhile, I continue to wait and raise Jie Jie.

Jie Jie's Feet

2011-09-12T01:09:00.001-07:00

Before taping, note the toes folded under the other ones.

I've not mentioned Jie Jie special needs much because that is a private part of our life, but over all, she is doing remarkable well. We do have surgery in our future, but it looks like it will be after January 1, 2012.

I'm been meaning to post about Jie Jie's legs and feet. They are visible so it's not something that can be kept private. Jie Jie has a type of club feet called Congenital Verticle Talus. In China, I was told that her feet were like this due to malnutrition. A chiropractor in the USA also confirmed this. Both were wrong, however. It was caused by damage to one of the nerves that runs down her legs during her fetal development. It's a congenital defect commonly seen along with her intestinal defect since the damage to the nerve occurs in the pelvis at the level where the intestinal defect occurs, though there are two other ways for damage to occur.

Due to the nerve damage, the muscles of Jie Jie's lower legs are atrophied to a degree. The lower legs are tiny. Her feet would have been able to be corrected using the Ponsetti casting method or French physiotherapy method as a baby. They might not have been as bad if she'd been given properly fitting shoes to wear all her life instead of shoes that were about three sizes too large.

After the first two months of our life together, the blisters and calluses on Jie Jie's feet were all completely gone. This took diligent care. Her skin is more supple and flexible and no long splits as her toes stretch. Several months ago I began taping her toes, something the orthopedic specialist had never seen, and the result is that the toe ligaments have stretched to normal lengths so she no longer has toes folded under her feet being stepped on when she walks. She is so much more comfortable now! The pain this child has lived with has been excruciating!

Jie Jie cannot walk more than a few blocks before her legs and feet hurt. This will improve with time, but right now, her feet are still turing into a normal position and this means her shins, knees and hips are changing so they ache or are downright painful often. When I first got her, she walked on the outside edges of both feet. She uses a stroller a lot, and still doesn't know how unusual this is for a girl her age. I hope she never finds out. I let her walk the entire time at the local zoo last week and the next day she was limping and complaining of pain. I've had to teach her to tell me when she has pain because it's something she's lived with all her life and she didn't know I could do something about it, like give her pain reliever, massage her, put her in the stroller, etc...

She cannot squat properly and only for a few seconds at a time. She can now hop on one foot pretty well, and barely hop on the other foot. A few months ago she couldn't do this. She cannot stand on tip toe at all. She cannot point her toes of one foot at all. She cannot balance on one foot for very long because she cannot use her toes to help her balance. This, however, I believe can be helped by physical therapy and/or practice. We are still trying to get hooked up with local resources. She cannot pedal a bike very well because she goes backwards on almost every stroke forward and this slams on the brakes. I will be getting her a bike with hand brakes soon, probably for Christmas.

Surgery and/or casting are not options at her age. The French method might be. I'm actively researching this right now. Fortunately, Jie Jie can walk and run and has what medical professionals call good function. Her lower legs will always be spindly and small compared to the rest of her. Just to give you an idea of how small, she wears the same size shoes as the 2-3 year olds in my daycare, with plenty of growing room. She lost about 3" of height in this part of her legs. She might have a terrible time trying to wear shoes with any kind of heel. In her older years, she may need surgery if she experiences a lot of foot pain. However, this mama is massaging and taping like crazy and we've been doing chiropractic care for months, so I wouldn't be surprised if this pays off further, especially if the French method is something she can benefit from.

Science

2011-09-12T00:23:00.001-07:00

Jie Jie is finally ready for the fun science museums. I've been waiting for this time to come; it's one of those things I imagined doing as a mom long, long ago. The California Academy of Science is in San Francisco's Gold Gate Park. It's a new building, one of the greenest on earth, with hightech natural systems all throughout, including a living roof. With this recession we are in, I noticed, to my delight, that places like these are virtually empty. We went on the last day of the Snakes and Lizards exhibit and got a year long membership so that we can come over and over again.

This place has live penguins and a hall of natual science. You know, the stuffed real animals in panoramic scenes. They have a rainforest dome, three levels, full of birds and butterflies and all kinds of things, with a river on the ground floor. You have to be checked for butterflies at the end since they sometimes land of people. The bottom level is all aquariums and the scuba diver was cleaning the tank and playing with the kids through the glass. They also have an albino aligator, a planetarium, several hands on science areas and tons more. It's one of my favorite places.

This snake model was used in the movie Anaconda in 1991. It's 30 feet long and one of the most advanced animatronic creatures ever built. It uses military technology and is submersible.

We went to our local space and science center. Jie Jie liked it a lot even though her English isn't good enough yet to fully explain all she is seeing. We saw The Mysteries of Egypt in the Megadome theater, a 270 degree panoramic theater. We also bought a membership, splitting it with another single mom so it was a GREAT deal.

Our next 6 months is going to be about exposure and introduction. We don't need to go into detail, just introduce ideas and concepts to build a foundation of knowledge upon. Jie Jie is super smart. She seeks knowledge and creates methods of learning for herself. She loves homeschool. Today she said to me, "No do school long time," meaning, we haven't done school work in a few days. She doesn't realize that our field trip to Tilden Park's Little Farm on Friday was school, or the Space and Science Center, or that when I read to her at night and ask her to read the words she knows, she is being "schooled." I'm so happy that she loves homeschooling and has made the connection that it's learning things she wants to learn. I can't wait for her world to open up once she can read and discovers how truly exciting books can be.

Loving Home Schooling

2011-09-09T00:33:00.000-07:00

It is only been three weeks since I felt like I knew what I was doing on the homeschooling front and I am astounded at Jie Jie's progress. She is learning by leaps and bounds and it's been very fun. We look forward to our school time every day. I'm so happy that homeschooling is turning out to be one of those things for me that, once I'm shown the beginning, the progression is logical and natural to me and my own creativity and knowledge blossoms into making it all better and better.

Jie Jie has gone from still trying to learn the alphabet to being able to recognize three words that she can "read" when I point to them in the book as I am reading it, we, up and moon. It is so fun to read WITH her and I'm looking forward to her doing it more and more, as is she. She can recognize several letters by site and remember some of the letter sounds. She can also sign many of the letters. She can recite two poems in her cute accented English and I heard her count to ten tonight and know she is about to grasp the full concept of counting using English number words any day now. Along with this concept, she is learning about basic addition and subtraction using manipulatives. Being able to name her colors has suddenly made a huge leap, too, something she herself is particularly happy about since she loves to color so much.

She is learning English so fast that it's getting harder to understand her sometimes rather than easier. This is because she is using so many new words and doesn't always get the pronouciation correct. I get the feeling that one month from now Jie Jie is going to have made a huge leap in her English.

5 Months Ago Today...

2011-09-09T00:15:00.001-07:00

...right at this time of night, I was walking in the front door of my home with my daughter for the very first time. It's hard to believe it's only been five months. It feels like she's always been with me.

This afternoon, my social worker came over for our first post-placement visit. I didn't know what to expect, but couldn't wait to show her my daughter. Sure enough, my social worker was captivated by Jie Jie. I didn't expect her to be so in awe of my daughter's happiness and progress. She also didn't fail to notice my own contentment. Honestly, my social worker was completely taken with Jie Jie and continuously made positive comments about her, like how happy she is, how well her English is coming along, how bright she is, how wonderful it is that Jie Jie talks so much about her life in China (another bit of her history started coming up as she saw the pictures of her SWI we were showing the social worker), etc.... Apparently, Jie Jie is doing better than average by quite a long shot. This certainly made me feel like a great mother and I will take credit where credit is due. But, I also give credit where it's due, and once again am thankful for God's blessings and those who loved and cared for my daughter from her birth parents to those in her SWI, to those at my agency who prepared me and to my wonderful daughter herself, who is so endlessly brave and strong and loving.

Today was one of those days when I counted my blessings and fell even more in love with my daughter.

Being A Working Mom

2011-09-04T22:25:00.001-07:00

I am very fortunate that I can work at home. It is still WORK. I don't think a lot of people really understand this. I am glad at the end of the day when my work day is finished, like just about everyone else is who works. My daughter is with me, in our home. This has been great. It has also been hard because she has to share me with a lot of other children during the day. She understands it now, most of the time, and we are truly doing well, but there are times when she wants me or really needs me and she gets less of me because I have to get lunch, change a diaper, break up a disagreement, patch a skinned knee, etc....

I was never meant to be a single working mom. I'm the married-stay-at-home-mom type. There is so much more I could do for my daughter on so many fronts if I had a husband to support me so I didn't have to work to earn my living:

more therapy for Jie Jie's feet, which includes a TON of things
swimming and/or hippotherapy
a cleaner home
a weeded yard
more story book time
more coloring together time
singing groups
Chinese language school for both of us
tumbling class
more interaction with kids her own age
more one on one time with a less tired mom
more road trips to visit relatives

Some of these things seem like luxuries, like singing groups and tumbling classes, but she NEEDS these things to help her educationally and physically. She still can't sing a single song all the way through. So, I introduced poetry this week with hand motions and/or sign language, to help her. She LOVES to sing and makes up her own songs all the time. They are mostly in English now and make as little sense as her Chinese songs did, but I crave the day when she can sing one entire little song all the way through.

Just Living Life

2011-09-04T22:01:00.001-07:00

This is Ruby, our newest foster kitten. She's one tiny ball of fur and about two weeks younger than Speck. Doesn't she look huge in the first photo with my daughter? It took putting her next to an adult cat to see how small she really is. My little nugget, Jie Jie, is gaining weight and growing and starting to outgrow her first set of clothes, but next to the cats, she still looks small.

Speck is getting bigger and loving his foster sister, Ruby, and all the other cats. He's just like my Sam. He'll be a GREAT pet for whoever decides to adopt him. He's getting neutered next week and then he'll be eligible for adoption.

Jie Jie has been playing "Birthday" a lot lately. She doesn't really know what the celebration is for, but knows there is a pretty cake. Age isn't real to her, probably since birth isn't a familiar concept. Next week's science is going to be about chicks hatching from eggs.

This birthday party set-up was for herself. She was playing that it was her own birthday. She laid out her gifts so neatly. The second party and larger cake was for her doll's birthday. I love the details she added to the cake. She wasn't allowed to eat cake in the orphanage, for very good reasons pertaining to her special need, but she can eat it now. She told me that her PoPo (caregiver) didn't eat cake either. I don't know if PoPo didn't like cake or refrained to make Jie Jie feel better about it. Currently, Jie Jie isn't too fond of cake, though she'll take a few bites sometimes.

It's such a relief and joy to me that Jie Jie can play such elaborate imaginative games, especially ones appropriate to her age level. So many institutionally raised children don't have a clue how to pretend.

I've taken my daycare to the zoo twice this summer on field trips. Jie Jie isn't too thrilled with the zoo because, as she says, "Animals stinky," but she has a good time. She liked the turtles this time and enjoyed being a sleeping turtle.

Agency Party & Homeschooling

2011-08-23T23:24:00.001-07:00

Each year, my adoption agency has a party. It used to be called Asia Afternoon, but now they have many families who have adopted from countries not in Asia, including the USA, so it's called Heartsent Afternoon. However, the entertainment is still a local Chinesed folk dance troup of local girls. Jie Jie is wearing an outfit I'd bought in China for the first time and it is now one of my favorites. I still can't get over how cute she looked in it. Also, how she's really starting to look her age more often than not these days.

We are homeschooling. I'd always intended to homeschool, but with an open mind to meeting the needs of my child(ren). If homeschool didn't work out, for whatever reason, I was glad to be near a good (is it really?) public school. I had a few false starts that made us both miserable, but it was my own fault. Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing. Thanks to your help and the suggested resources and thanks to a successfully homeschooling mom at church, we are doing well and are happy. I found just the right level to start Jie Jie in and just the right speed. I also learned how best to handle things when she gets frustrated when she doesn't understand something.

YIKES! - We just had an earthquake (11:37pm)! Not too big, but big enough to get my adrenalin flowing super fast and make me run to check on my daughter! Deep breaths...

Here is what we are doing:

Math: The National Standard Curriculum in the UK We are doing the very first level called the Reception Year as well as some Year 1 at the same time. I also enhance this with games and exercises along the same lines as the lessons. She can count visually, but naming the numbers, especially in English, is a challenge. I have a lot of games that she is just devouring.

Reading & Writing: Starfall.com (thank you everyone who recommended this site), Signing Time, Leapster toy, books and games and instruction I give.

In detail, my goal is for Jie Jie to learn to read and write the alphabet and learn the sounds each letter makes. At the same time, I am reading to her, the same book, each night for a week so that she can memorize it and point out and recognize simple words, like the word WE.

I let Jie Jie use the starfall online alphabet game. I print out the sheets to go with it. I give her lessons on writing each letter in various ways, blank paper, lined paper, magnet doodle with stencils. For writing, I am presenting each letter in order of writing development and in order for learning the alphabet.

I got the Leapster fridge magnet toy and gave her a fun alphabet flap book and showed her how to use the book to know the order of the letters. She usually misses only 3-5 after just 3 days and the mistakes are very logical, like Z instead of S or looking across the pages of the book instead of down each page. The toy repeats the sounds that each letter makes as well as the names of the letters.

Art & Development: The goal is to learn the names of the colors.
Coloring for fun, by number, and as I tell her or by looking at a picture or following some kind of other instruction. Sorting, copying patterns (like stringing beads on laces according to pictures), following patterns on a grid. Cutting, pasting, clay, etc...

Science: The goal is to look deeper at the things around us. Today it was learning about how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. I found a website with time-lapsed video of a monarch butterfly's development, the egg hatching, the caterpillar making a cocoon and the butterfly emerging. Then, I found a coloring sheet of a chart showing the four stages of the butterfly's development. Later, I'll hit the library for books to supplement our lessons, but for right now, this is enough. Tomorrow, we might make caterpillars out of segments of paper and glue.

What I learned most about homeschooling is that I am not trying to recreate a classroom. If I was, I should just send her to school. The great thing about homeschool is that the lessons are learned from real life. She can now recognize the word WE because I read to her and pointed it out over and over as I read it and gave her the Chinese translation. There wasn't a blackboard in sight. A friend also put me onto some fantastic websites to make file folder games. Childcareland.com is the first one I've been using and I love their ideas.

Language: Learning English!

Social Studies: Learning to be a daughter and an American.

Jie Jie is VERY bright. Once she understands something, she gets it and runs with it. The challenge right now is teaching her in a way that she can understand. She has a thirst for knowledge that I love.

Socially, I had an epiphany last Sunday as we had a play date with a friend who rented an inflatable jumper. Two girls were 10, Jie Jie 7 1/2, and one 5 year-old were there. The 10 years olds treated Jie Jie like a two year old, wanting to pick her up and treat her like a baby doll. Jie Jie liked their interest, but looked unhappy and happy in alternating moments, then acted silly and overly boistrous. The more I observed, the more I came to realize how she craves to be able to play age-appropriate games, but communicating ideas in English is still beyond her ability so she settled for playing the only way that worked, even if she didn't really like it. It's hard for children to see Jie Jie as a 7 1/2 year old because she's the size of a 4 year old and can't converse with them and she's as cute as a doll. I wish I could find another little girl in Jie Jie's same shoes, newly adopted and Chinese, that she can play with just to give her some relief from having to try so hard all the time.

Speck Makes 9 - Temporarily

2011-08-19T19:03:00.001-07:00

This is Speck. See why I call him Speck? Look at the first picture near his nose. He's about 8 weeks old now and he's another rescue. It's fun to have a kitten in the house, but he's not going to stay. Once he's bigger and ready to be adopted, he'll leave us for his new home.

Forgot to Mention the Housekeeper

2011-08-18T01:32:00.000-07:00

Yep, finally had to do it. Don't get me wrong. I've WANTED to hire a housekeeper. It was part of the Big Plan. This working single mama wasn't going to spend weekends doing housework while my child played all alone. But the budget does bring a does of reality to the best laid plans. I'm hording every cent until I figure out the insurance thing. But I really HAD to do it. All the hours I spend on the phone trying to sort the insurance stuff out and doing the bookeeping and taxes - finally - meant the house was horrible.

I had a great recommendation. The lady came, very motherly and sympathetic, did a great job, but started sneezing at the onset of vacuming and kept it up the whole time. She won't be coming back. She's allergic to cats. Remember, we have 8, no, 9 right now because I'm fostering a kitten.

What I'd really like is someone twice a week, two hours each time, to do the floors, bathroom, kitchen and litterboxes. Ideally, I'd like this person to make meals, too. After cooking for the daycare, there isn't time to cook for my daughter and I Yesterday, one parent came 25 minutes late - no phone call. It was so unusual, that I got worried. I had a 7pm apointment, so that 25 minutes ate up the time I'd have used to make dinner. I had it all planned out, too. This particular late parent has two kids enrolled with me, almost 3 and 12 months so I couldn't have cooked even if they'd called because my upstairs isn't set up for a 12 months old.

This brings up another point. I'm tired of my own cooking. I'm a good cook and I like to cook, but I like getting new recipes, fast and easy ones, and I've just not had time to browse for new recipes. If you have a favorite fast, healthy meal, please give me the recipe. I really need something new. Casseroles and one-dish meals are great, nothing fried. Things that can be frozen are good so I can make two at the same time and freeze one.

Ugh, 1:45am, time for bed!

More Insurance Frustration

2011-08-18T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am so totally ignorant about insurance! I can't believe I can be this ignorant. It's not from lack of trying. I'm trying so hard, it's killing me. I'm so ignorant, I don't even know what questions to ask.

I did find out that I qualify for Healthy Families. It covers EVERYTHING!!! BUT.... and it's BIG but.... I'd have to ditch my Kaiser insurance, in writing. It's tempting, but.... What if I earn too much in 2011 and get kicked off it in 2012? What if the program runs out of money? If I ditch Kaiser and need it again, guess who has to go through medical review again? Guess what Kaiser can then legitimatly charge me? A fortune!

So, remember that pediatrician visit a couple weeks ago and the blood test? Well, the labs tests aren't considered part of the preventive health care so I'm being billed for them - ALL, to the tune of over $500 and some are still pending, AND the visit to the orthopedic specialist hasn't even shown up yet on the bill.

Being a person who needs to know what to expect for my budget, I call member services to ask for a list of services and their costs. I am kindly directed to a list. Feeling optimistic, I go through the steps of finding it online, etc... Guess what? It's a VERY, VERY, VERY basic list that doesn't even have MRI on it. Guess who needs an MRI?

How does one get accurate information? How can I get a simple questions answered accurately, like these,

How much is the visit to the orthopedic specialist going to cost?
Where can I go online to find out how much the MRI is going to cost?
Why can Kaiser bill the State of California but not the county of Alameda?

On the positive side, there are several people to their best to sort this all out. It's taking time, however. Meanwhile, I'm still paying for the things my daughter needs right now that can't be put off. CCS will pay for it, but only after I give them proof that Kaiser won't. This is taking so much time that I'm about to send a FAX to the lady at CCS and it's after midnight!

My Big Girl

2011-08-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

My daughter is closer to 8 years old now than to seven and tonight when I was tucking her into bed, I could clearly see the big girl within the tiny body. Her face looked like that of a young lady in its excitement of what she was telling me and, for a second, I caught of glimpse of the beautiful woman that she will become.

Tonight she asked me to stay with her until she fell asleep. I've done it a lot, especially at first, but tonight was the first time she made the request. Again, it wasn't out of insecurity, but desire. She really just wants me because she loves me.

She said, "Mama, sleep-a here (indicating her pillow) wait sleep-a me."

52 Months and Flying Along

2011-08-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

If I thought the wait felt fast before, it's certainly flying by even faster for me now. I can't believe it's been 52 months. I remember referrals coming in for those who waited 52 months, over a year ago, and thought at the time, "Wow, that's a long time."

I am thankful for my perspective and my heart goes out to those of you who have felt every second of this wait as agony.

This Point In Time

2011-08-12T01:04:00.000-07:00

We are in the middle of a wonderful phase right now. Jie Jie is really falling in love with me. Tonight when I tucked her in, she showered me with kisses, something she's never done, all the while holding me tight in a perfect, sincere, HUGE hug. She had a period where I could pop upstairs or out to the yard and she'd be fine, but now she really needs to know where I am at all times, but not in the same way as before. Before, it was newness, fear, not knowing what to expect. Now, it's attachment, she wants me with her and misses me, and wants to know everything I'm doing, wants to emmulate me, knows we belong together.

Her English is exploding. Her manners are fantastic. She learned "excuse me" early on for burping, now she knows she must say it if she wants to interupt me. She has made friends with the best of my daycare kids and enjoys entertaining a certain baby sometimes. She can still assert herself as the leader and will sometimes play a little rough, like games involving pushing or holding hands for ring around the rosie then turning it into a game of Whip It. When caught doing what she isn't allowed to do, she gets a guilty look and will cry if it's something she really knew not to do, so she has a good conscience and sense of remorse. She will say she's sorry on her own if she knows to do so, and also if I ask her to do so. The first few times, she was too embarrassed and jealous to apologize to a daycare child, but not any more.

She has good table manners, something we started working on in China. Chewing with a closed mouth was first, using a spoon or fork properly (coloring helped with this tremendoulsy) and even a knife. We pull out the chopsticks as indicated, too, but I've always done this.

She has a natural sense of organization and the high level of awareness I would expect for a child raised in an orphanage, but she would not be called hyper-alert or hyper-aware by adoption standards at all. She appreciates cleanliness and beauty, from a clean toilet to a beautiful sunset or flower.

Physically, we are taking it easy this week. She has a mild cold that one of my daycare kids brought in. She's got a mild runny nose, a low-grade fever and sore throat. She also has a bacterial infection, picked up by the recent lab work and is on antibiotics and probiotics for it. We did retest before starting the antibiotics just to make sure the sample wasn't contaminated. It is something that might prove common due to her special need so I'm not surprised, but resentful of the insurance mess I was in since she could have had this infection from the moment I adopted her and been treated four months ago. Likewise, she also has Giardia, non-symptomatic other than a foul stool odor like no other. This is VERY, VERY common in children adopted from China. She has probably had this most of her life and it contributed to her malnutrition. She will take an antibiotic for this, as well, but only after the other antibiotic is finished and she's had at least 5 days to replenish her intenstinal flora still with the help of a probiotic. The risk of transmission to me is low. Her doctor doesn't even recommend I get tested unless I show signs of it, and I don't. I'm comfortable with this recommendation.

Jie Jie's pediatrician was quickly overwhelmed by the number of specialists we need and the time needed to sort them all out and has already gotten us a case coordinator. So far, I've not had to fight for anything medically related, meaning getting specialists, and referred out of Kaiser (they just don't have what we need). The doctor told me I'm a good mom and has agreed with everything I proposed. This has been very reassuring since I really did my homework on my daughter's special need before deciding to adopt her.

Jie Jie's nutritional status is excellent, other than the parasite, which helps itself to the nutrients she ingests. The doctor did bring up vitamins early on, but understood my fear of the iron in them and the potential for constipation. Since Jie Jie's special need mainly concerns her intestines, constipation can be life-threatening, much sooner than with a child without this condition, as can diarhea. After the labs came back showing great levels, the subject of vitamins didn't come back up.

Even if the scale and measuring tape didn't show growth, her clothes are showing it. She'll be out of size four leggings by the holidays and out of size three trousers. She'll wear her shoes out before she ever outgrows them.

Her dental work is scheduled for the first week of October. She's looking forward to it since she now understands that she won't have such pain afterward (I've talked to her about the pain she'll have for a little bit after the procedure). Now that I know her kidneys are functioning well, I feel more easy about the general anesthesia. She will also do well with the prep, as she proved with the bloodtest. In fact, she's eager to show off her bravery. I can't remember it all, but we're looking at four extractions, one particularly messy, four crowns, at least four fillings and four spacers.

I will be continuing with her chiropractic care. It is free, thanks to the generosity of my friend who is a student at the chiropractic college. With new data supplied by the orthopedic specialist we saw this week, I will be insisting on a re-evaluation and change of treatment. The treatment Jie Jie has had so far has been helpful, but we need to change the goal now that the true diagnosis has been made.

We still need to meet with 6 other specialists, have an MRI and several other invasive tests that I'm truly dreading, but must be done. I have a meeting next week about financial programs to help with the high expenses of all of this. It will determine whether we start full steam ahead now or wait for January 1, 2012. I will not put her through anything that will tarnish our very first holiday season together.

The good news is that once we get through the next year, my beautiful daughter should be able to live a perfectly normal, healthy life, like any other girl, with very few modifications. I am so thankful for the miracle she is. Remember when I was praying for her file? She is worth it all!

I Need Advice, Please

2011-08-12T00:45:00.000-07:00

Attention all homeschooling moms, especially those with children from China with special needs:

I'd always planned to homeschool and that is what turns out to be the optimal choice for Jie Jie even if I hadn't always planned to homeschool. Just to double-check, I telephoned the school district to see what services were available and the woman I spoke to didn't waste any time telling me that homeschooling is my best option.

So, I need some help coming up with a good curriculum. Jie Jie is 7 1/2 years old and has never been to school. She speaks mostly English, with a limited, but quickly growing, vocabulary. She sounds very clear to me, but I've discovered that it's because I'm her mom, though my assistant can understand her very easily, too.

The curriculums I looked at online depend on being able to fully understand rather complex English and read and write to a large extent. I've been looking at first grade with the intention to fill in the needed kingergarten level stuff as we go. Jie Jie would be attending 2nd grade this year if she'd been born here.

Jie Jie can recite the alphabet up to the letter "I" and gets most of the rest of the letters after that, but not in the right order yet. She easily recognizes the letter of her first name and can write her first name. She can't recognize other letters by name and it was frustrating the day I tried to get her to memorize five letters by sight. One educator suggested I focus on shapes first since that's how she views the letters. She does have some level of understanding that letters make up words, but without knowing the language, she can't do much with that information. Honestly, I was discouraged until I realized it takes bright children two or more years to learn the letters and we've just passed the four months home mark. It's hard to work on reading without knowing the alphabet.

Numbers are easier. Jie Jie is learning them practically by herself, somehow. It's hard to do math if you don't know your numbers.

Colors are coming along. I realize I need to be more diligent in our daily life pointing out colors, naming them and asking Jie Jie to repeat the color names. I have no idea if she ever learned color names in Chinese. She said she didn't color in China and I believe her by the lack of skill she had at first and how utterly skilled she is now. She LOVES to color.

She loves Play Doh, painting, essentially arts and crafts of any kind. I am going to read to her more. I read to her a lot until The Big Insurance Battle, then was simply wiped out by the end of the day from the hours and hours of being on the phone. Unless you've been through it, you can't imagine how many hours I've spent on the phone. In fact, even now, to reach a live person or the right answering machine at Kaiser takes, on average, 30 minutes.

Please point me in the right direction to creating or finding a good curriculum and/or some resources to help me get a good start. I'm looking forward to homeschooling. My Little Nugget loves to learn and is highly self-motivated.

Cat Poo and Other De-Tails

2011-08-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Jie Jie has heard our cat Rose urinate in the litterbox before so when Rose went into the box tonight, Jie Jie said, "Rose no poo," meaning, the cat doesn't poop at all.

I told her that Rose poops every day and that she's a clean cat and covers it up with the sand. Suddenly, I realized that Rose was pooping so Jie Jie hopped out of bed to observe. Rose takes longer than my other cats to produce after assuming the pose so Jie Jie said, "Rose take long time."

Then, the moment, "Rose one. Small one." I told her to keep watching. "Rose two."

Business complete, Rose promptly buried it, then immediately cleaned her bottom. Several minutes later, Rose gave me "loves" and Jie Jie saw me turn my face away as Rose turned her tail end toward me. She said, "Rose stinky."

I said, "No, Rose cleaned her bottom."

Jie Jie said, "Rose tongue dirty. Eat poo."

I thought it was very astute of her and, quite gross if one thinks too much about it. Yes, cats clean their bottoms with their tongues and then want to smell your breath, up close and personal like.

I explained that if a human uses their tongue to clean their bottom then it's dirty and stinky, but that cats have special tongues and it's not dirty. As I type this, I suddenly realize that some humans engage in oral s*x acts. Thank heavens children don't need to know about that!

I LOVE watching her learn!

Mama Love

2011-08-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

My daughter "Loves me hao big!" I am thrilled!

What she likes most about living with me is coloring with me and playing with me.

I have finally made it to the top of her list!

In the past, she liked coloring and playing, but I wasn't mentioned. Now, doing these things WITH me matters most to her. It shows, too.

TeddyCat or WatchCat

2011-08-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

The cutest thing happened two nights ago when I tucked Jie Jie into bed with her stuffed whale, that acts as a bumper and keeps her off the wall, and her stuffed kitty that she keeps near her pillow. As I was shutting the door, she shot up in bed and asked for Rose or Sammy to be in the room. I didn't realize it, but there has always been a cat with her in the room when I'm not there and she felt safer that way. The cat doesn't even sleep on her bed, usually, but on mine or on the dresser, but it was enough for her. Sammy volunteered to come in with her and I asked if that was better and she said it was, snuggled down and went right to sleep.

I reminded me of a dog, that faithful companion keeping watch at the foot of the bed. My cats are a lot like dogs that way. They are warm and snugly and affectionate and very protective and loving. I love that she Jie Jie can derive comfort from our pets. Having animals like these around is very therapeutic.

Pediatrician Appointment

2011-08-05T23:03:00.001-07:00

We met our pediatrician today. She's very nice and seems very good. She's already researching specialists like crazy and she's willing to refer me to my first choice place, but, ultimately, it's up the the surgeon. He seems cool, too, but is looking to refer Jie Jie more locally. There are pros and cons to each choice.

Jie Jie did extremely well, a tiny bit apprehensive at first with the nurse doing the vitals. She was quick and talking too fast. I had to tell her not to talk so much. She was saying things like, "This isn't sharp, I'm not going to poke you or hurt you." I told her that Jie Jie doesn't speak English well and only picks up words like sharp, poke, hurt. I asked her to just say what was going on in a simple way, "This will get a little tight," for the blood pressure cuff, for example.

Jie Jie was GREAT for the blood test. She told me last Monday that she's going to relax and not cry and that's pretty much what she did. She sat on my lap and wanted to watch, but when the moment came, she covered her eyes with my hand. One tear leaked from one eye, but she didn't move and didn't cry. The nurse was fantastic! One stick with a butterfly needle and she filled 7 vials without a pause. There is no bruising at all.

She's 41 1/8" tall and 35 pounds. That's 104cm, a 2cm gain in height and I'm feeling it as her leggings are all getting a little short now.

A little apprehensive with the nurse.

Fine with the doctor and woman who did the blood draw.

Wow! Saying cheese, but ready to dive in!

It's THIS BIG!

We shared and still had room for pizza afterward. This is probably our least nutritious dinner since becoming a family, but it was a special treat to celebrate Jie Jie's bravery.

Another Funeral Experience

2011-08-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

You might wonder why a 7 year-old would start talking about people dying, but since Jie Jie has been home, two cats have died here, one was my own cat and, recently, I fostered a 22 year-old cat, who was horrifically neglected, for 6 days until he passed away peacefully on his bed. We called him Mr. Handsome and he was anything but. In his day, however, he must have been a splendidly handsome fellow.

So, tonight as I was putting Jie Jie to bed, we began talking about her life in China and death came up again in a very natural and comfortable manner. I asked her if any babies had died. She thought for a moment and said that her Po Po had one baby that died. Here's her experience:

JJ: Baby die. Baby face messy. (She indicated the entire face) Baby no hungry. Baby no eat. Lot people cry. Jie Jie cry, too. Baby die.

Me: Did the baby drink a bottle?

JJ: Baby no drink. Baby no hungry long time. Eat, baby! Eat, baby! (She said this in a gentle, coaxing voice like one would use to try and get a baby to eat.) Baby no eat.

Me: Was there food on the baby's face?

JJ: No, baby no eat. Baby face messy pink.

I then asked if the baby died at night or in the daytime. She indicated at night, while she was asleep and that when she woke up in the morning the baby was gone. I asked her what Po Po did with the baby and she said, "Baby outside."

Me: Was the baby asleep?

JJ: No, mouth open. (She then did an imitation of the baby's facial expression and it was clearly death.)

Me: Did the baby have a blanket?

JJ: Yes. (She then showed me that the blanket was pulled up over the baby's face and head.) Baby bye-bye. No wait car. Car kuai kuai. (Kuai Kuai means fast.)

Five Year Mark

2011-08-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's official. The families who recently received their referrals (matches to their babies in the non-special need child line) waited FIVE years from the date their dossiers were logged in with CCAA (I know, it's not called that any more).

Early on, I did some math calculations and came up with a wait of 6 years 2 months or four months or something like that and it's looking like that's right on the nose for me. The earliest I'd expect my referral is Dec. 2012 based on more recent calculations.

I realize the wait for some families has really turned into a nightmare. The older parents have my sympathy and those with other children who may be teenagers or in college by the time their baby sibling arrives home.

I still feel like I'm in a unique situation, having aleady realized the dream of my first child, and finding the wait is still optimal for our situation. I'd like to, somehow, add a teenage girl to our family.

The Ball is Rolling, the Phone is Ringing

2011-08-02T21:39:00.001-07:00

In the past two days I've had calls from Kaiser like crazy:

Pediatric Gastroenterology
Orthopedics
Pediatric Surgery

All before I've been taken Jie Jie to the pediatrician for her first physical (third if you count immigration and the one done for medical review).

Honestly, I was feeling breathless and overwhelmed until tonight. Tonight the surgeon called and the calm I've been waiting for decended upon me. He was wonderful! I was so prepared to wage a major war to get the care my daughter needs that it was amazing to hear the surgeon say, "We can't provide the care here that your daughter needs so I've already contacted the medical director and let him know and my first recommendation is Children's Hospital, but if you need more than that then we'll find the right place."

Not only that, but this surgeon trained with one that I actually have seen perform in videos. As part of the research I did before adopting Jie Jie, I joined some medical websites and watched surgeries similar to the ones she has had. One of the best ones was the surgeon that trained the guy that called me tonight - and - two nights ago, I just happened to have watched that video again!

This morning I woke up wondering if I had what it takes to manage all of this and tonight I know I can.

When I told the surgeon how we've been managing and how far Jie Jie has come since being home, he was amazed and impressed. My little girl has been blessed with something special that I think will carry her through life happy and confident regardless of what her body is like.

Mama Sewed Again!

2011-08-02T21:35:00.001-07:00

This was one of those instant sew-as-you-go designs that started out just wanting to make tiny blankets for these Barbie babies. Next, they needed a pillow. Then, of course, a bed. So, during daycare nap time, I whipped these out and Jie Jie was very happy. I am happy, too, but would have made them a little narrower if I'd had any time to plan them out.

Yummy!

2011-08-02T21:24:00.001-07:00

Sliced turkey rolled up (no nitrites)
Cucumber
Cheddar Cheese
Edamame

New Little Table

2011-08-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

Last month I had to concede that my daughter doesn't care much for the rocking chair. We have a lot of snuggle time, just not in the rocker. So, since she LOVES to color, I found a perfect little table and chair for her room and she has spent hours there.

Here she set up herself and asked me to take. She set out her things in a neat fashion and then posed.

Tourists in San Francisco

2011-08-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

One day last month we played tourists. We drove into San Francisco and up to Twin Peaks then to the zoo. Jie Jie had her very first cotton candy. It seems that they don't put it on a stick any more, but in a plastic bag where is promptly goes flat, but I found a fresh batch and it was pretty good.

In this last photo, you can still see little girl she was in China, unsure, but willing to try anything.

Mama Sewed!

2011-08-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

I have a whole stash of fabric that I've saved, some for 20 years, for The Day When I'd Have a Daughter. I finally had a moment to sew some pajamas for Jie Jie. She's on her own bed in her room but she doesn't sleep there, other than the occasion nap. She'd like to sleep there, but I'm not going to change our sleeping arrangement until after all her medical stuff is completed since I know she'll need to be next to me again once we begin.

I came in to go to bed and found my little nugget like this. Her sleeping spot is next to the whale way over on the right. When she comes onto my bed, I think she's wanting to feel closer to me. If I catch her in my bed and still awake, she's so happy when I lay down next to her and we talk or play silly games that mothers and children love so much.

THE Dress

2011-08-02T01:21:00.001-07:00

I LOVE this dress! I bought it in China. It was sooo Jie Jie that I had to have it. But... I was out shopping with Anne and it was $23 (USD), outrageous in China, but it was in a western-style mall - upscale boutique. I let Anne convince me I'd find something else, but it stayed on my mind. The next day I went back on my own and bought it for Jie Jie. She loves it, too, and it was finally warm enough 4 Sundays ago that she could wear it. My friend who came to China with me also attends my church and when we walked in, she recognized the dress right away. I found the tights somewhere else, possibly here in the USA shortly after getting home from China.

Painting

2011-08-02T01:20:00.000-07:00